All Caught Up

Christmas was extra sweet this year. After four Christmas of saying that we were adopting "soon," at long last, Phoebe is with us. I am acutely aware of what miracle this thing called adoption is, and how lucky we are to have her as our daughter.

Christmas was just wonderful. We drove seven plus hours to Pennsylvania, where my parents had been preparing for a solid month to host a big Christmas celebration. The house was full of Christmas trees and lights, and every meal was a gourmet feast. Both my siblings were there, too, with their combined five kids. Gabe falls right between Miranda and Phoebe in the line-up of grandchildren, and those three little ones played and played hard! The girls just loved being fussed over by their Grammy and Opa. On the way home we had to field Miranda's question about five times, "Why we have to go home?"

A few days before Christmas, the Early Intervention team returned to our house with their bags of puzzles and mind twisters for tots to give Phoebe her second full evaluation. Six months ago, she took a peg in her little fist and tried with all her might to get it in the hole, but just couldn't do it. This time, plunk, plunk, plunk, she gently placed all six pegs in their holes, with extra points for finishing in under 30 seconds. She eagerly whizzed through all their tests, and in the end scored a full four months ahead of her biologic age. Six months ago, she scored two months behind. That adds up to a full year of developmental progress in the last six months. They circled "ineligible for services" on the bottom of the page, and invited her to continue coming to their weekly group sessions, now as a "community kid" with no more special needs.

Phoebe, it ends up, is one smart little cookie who loves to learn. The holidays were full of comments like "Ohhhh! Lights! Pretty!" After playing with a line-up of kid-size chairs for an hour or so the night before, Phoebe woke up the next morning singing "chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga CHOO CHOO." She quickly learned the names of her cousins and grandparents, and is constantly announcing new words (whale, tights, loud, elephant). She's now putting two and even three words together, surprising me every time I hear things like "I see you!", "I got it!" "Oh no, (what) happened?" and "More cookie, please." Her manners are quite refined, with spontaneous pleases and thank yous sprinkled about. Mark is particularly fond her of enthusiastic "Welcome!" when she places something in his hands. As we left Grammy Kate and Opa's house after four wonderful days in Pennsylvania, she yelled out "Thank you!" She can do "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" with all the movements. On the long drive home there was a beautiful moment during a rousing verse of "If You're Happy and You Know It" when both girls shouted "Hooray!" with perfect synchronization and gusto.

Miranda continues to be a great big sister. During a little Phoebe meltdown on the trip to Pennsylvania, she put her fingers in her ears and quietly said, "That's too loud. Don't cry Phoebe. It's alright." When Phoebe drifted off to sleep, her fingers came out of the her ears and she said, "That's better." I had to laugh today when little Miranda was making what for her was a loud joyful noise, and Phoebe pointed an accusing finger at her and shouted-- in a voice three times as loud as Miranda can dream of making-- "Loud!" Miranda is starting to be a conversationalist now. She listens to lyrics of songs and asks questions ("Why he throw the television out the window?") and remembers the next day stories we tell that weren't necessarily directed at her ("Your truck got stuck in the mud?").

For my friends and followers, thank your traveling with us this year. My wish for you is a healthy, happy, joy-filled 2010.

Six months ago today

Six months ago today, Phoebe became our daughter. Just the night before, she arrived in our arms. Here is Phoebe, during our first minutes together.

That was a moment of such great joy for me, but you see Phoebe-- so much uncertainty. She woke up that morning with the only family she could remember, the foster family who had cared for her for just over a year. Many hours later, after a three hour bus trip with a bunch of babies and nannies she didn't know, she was placed in our arms. I remember the clicking noise she kept making in the back of her throat. I know Phoebe, and she certainly cries when she is scared, angry, or overwhelmed. She didn't cry that day. Not once. I think she must have been far beyond scared. Too scared to cry.

And this is Phoebe now:

This child has brought me so much joy. My favorite moment of the day is when I open the back door and hear the squealing of "Mama!!" with the pattering of feet, and then get bowled over by my two toddlers as they collapse in my arms with their giggles. When I watch her doing her naked butt-shaking dance, when she insists "Read it!" for the fifth time, when she curls up in my lap with her thumb in her mouth, when she outs her naughty trick with a proud shout of "I did it!"-- I just love her to pieces. Of all the children in the world, how did I get so lucky to have this one as my daughter?

On this Thanksgiving, I am so incredibly grateful that somehow in this big world, Phoebe came into our lives.

Reminder

Overall, Phoebe is doing beautifully. But every once in a while there are reminders that she is still fragile. Two this week--

While the girls were watching Big Bird in China for the first time, during a sentimental song of "I love you" and "Hello" in both English and Mandarin, I leaned down to find Phoebe's eyes brimming with tears. I snatched her into my arms and called Mark over, and Phoebe gently touched our faces and peaked into Mark's pocket as single tear rolled down her cheek. No more Big Bird in China for a while.

Then I made a major attachment error, and left the girls napping with my parents in the house while I jetted to the store, two hours after my folks arrived for a visit. Phoebe woke up too quickly from her nap, and was not happy to find no mama, no papa, no nanny-- just Grammy and Opa, whom she knows but not too well. What worried me was the reunion. I found little Phoebe on the couch with tear-streaked face, thumb in the mouth, eye looking down. As I came in the door there was no relief, no happiness. Just that frozen thumb-in-the-mouth pose that didn't change when I held her, hugged her, kissed her. She didn't look at me for a good five minutes, then warmed up into her usual smiles. But it shook me up a little. Five months into our life together, Phoebe is still clearly afraid of abandonment. She's not yet 100% convinced that we are forever.

On a happier note, Halloween was fun! Miranda, who talks like mad these days, learned the word "candy," which had somehow eluded her until now. Phoebe's a little chocolate monster, too! Thankfully they forgot all about leftovers by morning-- I'm sure we won't be that lucky in another year or two!

Fall Fun

(This is the kind of silliness that we have around here!)

I can't think of a better way to spend a fall Sunday. It was upper 60s with blue skies and a light breeze, and the New England landscape was painted in fall colors. We took the girls to a farm a few miles out of town, where Phoebe got to use her words "apple!" and "pumpkin!" over and over again. We got to see the animals associated with all the barnyard sounds that the girls recite so well, including a pig who weighs 1000 pounds and somehow smiles in her sleep. We took a hayride out to the apple orchards, feasted on cider donuts, and picked out one big pumpkin to be carved next week. We had two sleepy girls on the way home!

Time passing by

Four months together as a family of four, and I can't remember what it was like without Phoebe in our life.

Actually, I should rephrase that-- I can't imagine our life without her, and think that adding her to our family was one of my top three best decisions in life, right up there with marrying Mark and having Miranda. But I admit that I remember quite well what it was like before-- the days when we managed to get our only child down to bed by 7:45 pm so that I could go to the gym, and we didn't feel badly about getting a babysitter once in a rare while so that we could go out for the evening. Now it seems that life revolves around sippy cups, diapers, giggles, ring-around-the-rosy in the kitchen, a wide variety of playgrounds, time outs, nap schedules, story books, and lessons in manners. Adding the fourth member to this family has much more than doubled the laundry, clutter, and groceries. How is that? Somehow two is still much harder than one every was. I admit that there is something of a survival mode going on here. On one hand I look at these girls who bring me so much joy and I want to freeze their cute selves in time so they never grow up. On the other hand, I long for date nights out, regular work-outs, a book club, and coffee with friends, and eagerly await the next phase in life when we can get back to some of our former selves.

Part of the problem is that I've been working much too much. Some day I'll be in a place where I can just choose to work fewer hours, but for reasons too long and boring for the blog, I'm again in a life of in-balance right now. I worked 3 of the past 4 weekends, and have been very, very tired.

Phoebe has been amazing through the long hours, and continues to hug and kiss me goodbye, and give me huge hugs and smiles when I arrive. She loves to snuggle as soon as I come home. For the first few months we didn't let anyone else touch or hold her other than Mark and I, and then when we finally lifted that restriction we were thrilled to find she didn't want to go to anyone other than us. Now we have come to just the right place, where after a safe introduction with us, within an hour or two she will sit very happily in a new friend's lap for a few minutes before asking to come back to us. We've had a few visits lately from friends and family from far away-- Mark's mother, Mark's cousin Lin and her husband Steve, and my dear friend I hadn't seen since medical school graduation five years ago. Phoebe warmed up to every one of them, which made for wonderful visits. I am so crazy about this child. At Phoebe's recent well-child visit, her pediatrician said at the end of the visit, "Just watching the two of you interact-- clearly you have bonded well. It's like you've known each other her whole 19 months rather than just three or four."

Miranda and Phoebe continue to love each other, though Miranda wants to be a little closer to Phoebe physically than Phoebe would like to allow. I often hear "Phoebe, hold hands with Miranda please?" as Miranda chases her little sister around. Phoebe likes personal space, so when Miranda flops her head into her sister's lap a shriek follows every time. But all in all, we continue to be quite lucky that tussles over toys is our biggest sisterly issue, with no overt jealousy or competition. Even when little Phoebe pooped on the potty-- ok, not exactly out of her own initiative, when she was snatched out of the tub and plunked on the potty half way through the job-- Miranda was nothing short of impressed. This sister thing is working out just fine.

It's been a while since we posted pictures-- Enjoy. I can't believe how old Phoebe looks now that her hair is growing longer. I worked through all our little baby clothes and toys recently in a massive purge, and had to have a good cry about how our baby days are over. When I hear Phoebe ask "More, please?" and say "Thank you!" my heart tugs a little each time. Our little girls are growing up.

Visit from Grammy:



Does Phoebe look like a big girl here?

Phoebe walked right up to Miranda and said, "Hi, Da-da," and Miranda just loved that moment:
This is my other big girl-- with so many "why" questions lately. Her favorite line of conversation goes like this: "What's that?" "It's a wine cork." "Why that a wine cork?" Or "Who's that?" "That's Megan." "Why that Megan?"


Auntie Lin came for a visit from California-- the girls just loved their time together!
Here she is again, my big girl. I can't stop looking at her lately-- so much growth!

Reunion

Last time we saw each other, we were blurry-eyed with jetlag, ending a 30 hour journey home with our new daughters who were clinging to us with no idea what was coming next in this madness. Today, three months later, our babies are toddling all over the playground, quite clear on who their moms and dads are. All of the kids have grown, but it is the ones who arrived the smallest that are the most amazing. There is one child-- a smart little thing with so much character!-- who couldn't sit up alone at 14 months, and today I watched her take a few steps between her parents' outstretched arms. In three months! Their faces have filled out and their legs are chunky. These children have found their families, and it is very clear that the parents have found their children, too. It's funny, we were just folders in the Matching Room a few months back, but somehow we ended up paired the way we are. I just can't imagine Liam with us, or Phoebe with Liz and Andy, or the twins with anyone other than the parents who got them. Everyone seems to be just exactly where they belong.

This past week Phoebe had her follow-up appointment at the International Adoption clinic. They re-evaluated her development with a full assessment. At 18 months of age, she officially scored at 18 or 19 months for everything except gross motor function; for that, she is still at 16 months-- but that's just 2 months behind now, up from 4 months behind before, and 2 months behind is pretty much right on target. OK, I think we can officially count her as caught up now. An average kid. Just learning and developing and exploring as all kids do, from here on out. I promise to back off on the monitoring and asssessing and grading her progress. It's time to just let her do her own thing, as all kids do if you love them and let them.

Even more thrilling than the numbers is watching Phoebe in a crowd now. She was at church with us this morning, and now she is relaxed and curious, no longer scared and threatened. It is so good to be 3 months into this, when we are no longer asking "Do you think she's up for it? Is she ok? How's she doing?" She just settles in.

At the same time, I know our work isn't done. At the IA clinic I was asked "How's attachment going?" and answered very positively. The response I got was more cautious than congratulatory: Keep doing what you are doing, they told me. Hold her, kiss her, hug her, make eye contact, tell her you love her. So far, so good, but don't let your guard down.

Words of the week: sit, giraffe, boo-boo, poop, hi-kitty, stuck (so many applications for the word stuck!), hand, toe, oh no. She's a good little talker!

Ah, Sisters

Every day now I come home and find a list of new words that Phoebe is saying. One day it said "Tickle, Truck, Juice" and another day it said "Bubble, Down." Her day is peppered with words now: Ergo, Elmo, Look, Apple, Bottle, Milk, Yes, No, Music, Knock, Boo-boo, Book, Peek-a-Boo, Gotcha, Trolley, Yellow, Thank you. She's starting to put two words together, like "Hi, Kitty" and "Nite-Nite, DaDa." As of last week, she answers yes and no questions with enthusiastic and appropriate nods and shakes of her head. She knows her body parts, and can shake her sillies out, jump her jiggles out and do all the other Raffi verses with only verbal cues. Her Early Intervention teacher was away for a three week vacation and was thrilled when she came back. She eyeballed the developmental milestone list and said that now, three months after arriving in our arms with pretty significant delays, little Phoebe is right on target for all her 18 month milestones. I can't tell you how proud I am of that kiddo.

On the sibling front, we are feeling more sibling adjustment now than we did during the first 2.5 months of our family of four. Phoebe has a yell (like "Ba! Ba! Ba! when the cat gets too close) that, to quote Mark, "makes every rock concert I've every been to seem like low volume." And some mornings it seems like an unstoppable chorus of whining and shrieking with no off button. Baths have become an issue (about 25% of the time, and no problem the other 75%), and neither one is sleeping the night. I came home one day this week and our superstar nanny looked beat, saying in a very tired voice, "Oh, it was a long day." The pleasant days are so pleasant, with laughter and girls chasing each other around and quiet happy play, but it seems like there are more difficult days now than there every were before. I think part of the problem is that Miranda used to be the world's easiest toddler, and no she's, well, a typical two-year old. Her parents are adjusting.

At the suggestion of a parent-friend who does a great job with her kids, I'm trying to spend more time one-on-one with kids, especially with Miranda. When we are out together I say, "Miranda, look at this, it's just two of us, out together!" She says, "Phoebe not out with Mama. Just Miranda out with Mama." By the end of our sojourn she starts to say, "Miranda miss Phoebe. What Phoebe doing?" And when they meet again, it is always a happy reunion of long lost sister friends.