Our Little Corner of the World

The Blog's Last Chapter

2012-01-30T06:25:00.000-08:00

This blog started in the weeks before our referral from China, and it was my first attempt at a blog. There was some experimenting going on. Many times I wondered, who is my audience? Is it Phoebe, who will read this years down the road? My family, following us from afar? Other parents who have adopted and navigating this sometimes complicated path? Or is it nothing more than my own diary, a place to dump my thoughts and sort it out? I'm not sure, but as things evolved, I watched the blog follow our family's tranformation into a family of four, as we turned two little girls into sister, and turned people born on different sides of the world into parent and child. I thought it would be about both girls, but it ended up being more about Phoebe. It followed her as she grew into her new life with her "Forever Family," with my ponderings on the effects of her cross-cultural toddler adoption on her personality and outlook on the world.

I feel like the story of her transition is now over, and we are deep into regular post-adoption life. She's getting older now, too. Now that she's learning to talk, we are discussing adoption in a new way, since she has questions and emotions about it now. It is time for her story to turn more private. And so, this posting is my last one for the blog-- my final thoughts on adoption and our journey as a family.

I should tell you what happened after the first day of school. The teacher called me the next evening and said, "I know there are no parents allowed in Children's House, but I believe this child needs an exception. When you leave, she feels it in a very deep way. The reaction is quite strong." In a world where adoptive parents often have to explain and educate, Phoebe's teachers understood immediately. Since I couldn't be there every day, we opted to have our new au pair, Laura, do a "phase-in". She sat in the classroom for about two weeks, until Phoebe agreed that she was ready to be there alone. Drop-offs with Laura went well for a few weeks before Phoebe was finally well-established enough in the routine to bravely try drop-off with me. We had a failed attempt in November, but tried again in December with success. So finally, just before Christmas, I started dropping my kids off at school.

Meanwhile, drop-offs aside, she's done beautifully. She has many friends and does her Montessori "work" with great focus. Last summer we had reached a point in our family where Miranda and Phoebe's ages seemed to have almost evened out developmentally, but since fall Miranda has leeped way ahead of Phoebe-- reading, doing multiplication, using an expansive vocabulary, and generally talking circles around poor Phoebe. We are trying to remember to keep Phoebe involved in our advanced conversations. I'm expecting a developmental leep from Phoebe soon, and I imagine it will be like this as the years go on and our "artificial twins" have their growth spurts independently.

I am aware every day of how lucky we are that Miranda and Phoebe are as close as they are. Now, please-- there is plenty of bickering and tattling. In fact, after I scolded Miranda for tattling the other day Phoebe immediately reported, "Miranda's tattling on me." I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. But they clearly love each other deeply. There are frequent deals about switching one shoe so that they each are wearing a mismatched pair that matches each other. Even on the playground or at swim class, when they could chose to be with anyone, they often are side-by-side. Lately they have even taken to sleeping together in Phoebe's bed.

I recently made Phoebe a tiny "Life Book" and told her the story of her life as I know about it. We have always told the story of the day we met Phoebe, of how she waited in the good care of her foster family until her Forever Family came, of how long we waited to meet our baby from China, of how her birth parents must be smart and funny like she is. I had always left out, however, that little detail of how she came to be an orphan. I think she was starting to get confused about just who this foster family was and how they got involved-- especially when I talk about how we'll visit them one day and thank them. It doesn't really all make sense unless you tell the truth-- that for reasons we will likely never fully know, Phoebe was left by her birth family at one week of age. So, on the advice of an adoptive mom who has taught me many things, I made a book with just four pictures-- Phoebe in a tattered wicker baby chair in her foster home at four months old, Phoebe in my arms looking confused and overwelmed during her first minutes with her tearful new mother at age 15 months, Phoebe on her papa's one knee looking at Miranda on his other knee as she meets her sister for the first time, and a family portrait of all four of us deeply happy in the post-transition life. With the help of the pictures, I started at the beginning, and told Phoebe all I know about her first 15 months of life, with nothing left out. My adult self thought Phoebe would be shocked. Appalled. Upset. But no. Her response? She listened, then told me something about what dress someone was wearing at school, I think, or something about swim class. But on some level, it seemed like for the first time she understand how it all flowed-- from her birth mother, to the orphanage, to the foster family, and finally to us, the last stop. She carried her book around with great enthusiasm for a day or so, and since then hasn't asked to see it again. I feel at peace. It's all out there now, and Phoebe is okay with her story. It's the only one she has.

Miranda, too, is thinking about adoption more. A few days ago she announced she wanted to "play adoption." I watched her line up 10 dolls and stuffed animals side by side on a long strip of papertowels on the floor, and then she started shouting out like a street vendor, "Babies! Get your babies!" Yikes, is this what she thought adoption was like?! Some quick intervention was in order. With Phoebe watching, I acted like the official in they mysterious placed known as the Matching Room in the China Center for Adoption Affairs. "Hm, the baby here looks interesting. I have so many folders here of families who are waiting. How should we decide which baby will go with which family? Let's see now. This is pretty important business, you know. We are about to make a family. Ah, yes, I've got it. This looks like a perfect match." I then took the role of the waiting mother, going about my day unsuspectingly, then answering the phone to hear the words that would change my life forever. Finally, I acted out the moment when my baby was placed in my arms. And then Miranda and Phoebe, thrilled with this new version of "Play Adoption," took on the roles. When Phoebe answered the referral phone call and acted out the amazing joy-- with huge eyes, a dropped jaw, a dramatic gasp, and then a shiver and squeal-- I couldn't help filling up with tears. Then she held her new baby for the first time and said to her with great tenderness, "I am your mama. ForEVER." Oh, my. I have to say, it was a great day to be a mother home with her children.

Clearly the story doesn't end here. Only the blog does. Thank you for journeying with me through this great adventure of motherhood.

Back to School

2011-09-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

Ah, back to school, back to issues.

Not big issues, just the usual ones with separation & change, and the forever pondering what effect early transition and the trauma of separation has had on Phoebe. Miranda this morning-- barely said goodbye to me, she was so excited to be back in her classroom. Phoebe? Well, yesterday was a one hour gentle introduction to her new classroom & her teachers, with no other students there. I was supposed to give a cheery goodbye and then get some coffee in the lobby, but Phoebe started on her "I'm scared" routine, with arms wrapped around my legs. The teacher is from Taiwan, and we requested that Phoebe be in her class where they will learn songs & traditions from China (not too mention how lovely it will be to have a positive Asian role model in her life). But when I introduced Sandra to Phoebe, Phoebe looked right at her, paused, then gave her the Phoebe scowl. Trouble with the Chinese face & accent? Or just with the threat of a teacher who will displace her mother?

So, instead, I was invited to explore the classroom with Phoebe yesterday. She did get out of my arms and explore a bit, but certainly didn't smile or relax, and didn't let me slip out "to the bathroom for a minute or two," no. Then today, half of her classmates were coming, ages 3 to 5. Phoebe started the morning at home by curling up in a chair and saying, "I don't want to go to the school." She refused her rainboots, and when I told her, "Phoebe, you can make your own decisions, but you cannot make your sister late for her first day of school," Phoebe said, "You hurt my feelings!" I carried her into school (a big Montessori no-no) with bare feet & her boots in my hand. After dropping Miranda at her classroom (easy), we ended up sitting outside Phoebe's classroom on the bench while all the other kids arrived. One kindergartner asked Phoebe, "Why are you out here?" Phoebe said, "I'm scared." As if she was paid to do it, the girl said, "It's fun! I used to be scared too, but not anymore!"

The teacher gave us a full 30 minutes on the bench, with kind invitations every few minutes. Phoebe buried her head in my chest. Finally, at the teacher's request, after promises that I would return right after storytime, I started in on the ritual goodbye kiss that Phoebe dreamed up & practiced at home: nose kiss, one cheek, other cheek-- then with great effort, she raised her hand in a reluctant but brave high-five. Sandra took her in her arms and entered the classroom. I stood in the hallway out of sight and listened to her slow, mournful, sad cry. Then had a good cry myself.

This is always the trouble, isn't it? Phoebe, who finally has stability in her life, would like it if nothing ever changed. If she could do the same thing every single day for the rest of her life, and wear the same clothes and the same shoe size, she would really be happy about that. But her feet keep growing, it seems. And I know it will be just days before she is loving Children's House and her new friends. It's just the forcing her into the new beginning that hurts this mama's heart.

Hello, Summer! (And Magic!)

2011-05-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

Ah, Memorial Day weekend as it should be. It was a miserable spring, with nothing but chilly grey days, until this weekend. Suddenly, it was hot. Toes breathed in sandals, white legs poked out of shorts, the window breathed open all night long, and dinner moved to the back porch under the umbrella. We've been on the beach every day for the last three days, where the girls now dig and collect and build with little parental interference. It's going to be the summer of fairy houses and beach combing, I believe. This Pennsylvania girl still can't believe the beach is a few short blocks away, and it makes me very, very happy.

May was a big month for us. Miranda turned four, with a little yoga birthday party this year, complete with a zebra doing tree pose (her idea) on the cake. On Mother's Day, all of us donned beaks and marched in the Make Way for Ducklings Parade. We celebrated Family Day with our annual ice cream outing, marking the two year anniversary of Phoebe's life merging with ours. And yesterday, with a fabulous date that started with--what else?-- a long walk on a white sand beach without the kids, Mark and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. In between all the celebrations, we had visits from Mark's mom, my parents, and our au pair's parents from Germany. Busy, busy!

There has been a little magic in the this house lately. About three weeks ago-- sometime in the middle of Mark's mother's visit-- I suddenly thought, when did my two angels turn into whining, arguing, negotiating, entitled little brats? It wasn't good. I was spending all day giving lectures about kindness and respect, and even the classic "give 2 choices" approach was resulting in 5 minutes of questions and indecision and protests. One night when I was on-call, Mark reported that bedtime took over an hour due to prolonged requests and elaborate procrastination techniques. Our happy home didn't seem so happy.

So-- thanks to a Facebook cry for help, I ended up reading "1, 2, 3 Magic." First, I'll say that my father should have written this book, because he "counted us" all the way back then, before the book was published. Oddly, I can't remember what happened when he hit three, but I think that's because I never really got that far; the threat was enough. I had a little meeting with Miranda and Phoebe, and explained the new rules. We role-played an argument and the warnings-- "That's one. . .that's two. . .that's three, take five"-- and the time-out. They got it. A few minutes later, Miranda shoved her feet into Librarian Phoebe's book, and Phoebe shrieked. Calmly, I said, "That's one." Miranda whipped her feet back to herself and silence decended onto the room. Later that day, Phoebe earned herself the first time-out. Without anger or emotion, I carried her to her room, set the timer to 3 minutes, and walked out. She cried for a minute or so, then played quietly, and when the timer went off, she got a hug and a kiss, and a resumption of the usual activities. After that, we had a fabulous day.

I'm telling you, peace decended onto our house like you can't imagine. My kids, thank goodness, were "early adapters." On the second day, I said with mild sterness, "Phoebe, sit in your carseat," and she did, asking, "Mama, is that One?" Miranda always pushes it to Two, and sometimes complies with a resigned pout of "You aren't being fair," but she stops the action, and more and more now is just letting it go. There are several effects-- one, when conflict arises, I win the argument quickly and restore the peace, elimating the long negotiations and arguments that used to be the norm. But more interesting is that suddenly there are very few arguments to begin with. We only have to "count the kids" about three or four times per day. We've been doing this for 10 days now, and I have gone back to completely enjoying my pleasant kids.

There's another part of the book that talks about "start behaviors"-- getting kids to do things you want them to (as opposed to "stop behaviors", for which we count). So we have instituted a 20 minute timer for bedtime. They have 20 minutes to get it all done-- put on pajamas, brush teeth, wash faces, do all the things they use as procastination tecniques AND read books before the timer goes off. The quicker they do it, the more books they get to read. The first night the timer went off and Miranda immediately said, "But we forgot to feed the fish!" and Phoebe said, "Where's my teddy?" I assured them that I was quite sure they would remember those things tomorrow before the timer went off, and turned out the light. This has worked like a charm. No matter how early or late we are for bedtime, once we get out of the tub or get up the stairs, the timer starts, and I know the lights will be out in 20 minutes. Tonight with 8 minutes left on the timer, Phoebe said she was hungry, so downstairs she went-- and missed story time that Miranda got, but made her own decision and took the consequences gracefully.

Why do I go on and on? Because a few weeks ago, I was so frustrated with the kids, and right now (could it be the weather, not the book??) I am blissfully in love with these two. We are at a great stage, where there are constant learning moments, hillarious observations, and charming expressions of love. May this be the beginning of a whole new phase in our lives!

Closing Out Winter

2011-04-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

That was fun, after a few months, to glance back at the last post, when I dreamed that sleep trouble was over. Not so. Enthusiasm over toddler camp-out waned after a few days, and Phoebe is famous for saying things like "I don't want a sticker, I want you to stay in my room." After a few weeks of resolutely avoiding parents in Phoebe's bed or Phoebe in ours, we were completely blurry-eyed, like parents of a newborn. We caved. Bedtimes now almost always have tears, with some nights worse than others. Miranda usually gets excused from her bed and allowed to climb into the quiet of the master bedroom while Phoebe cries herself to sleep with parent sitting quietly nearby in the dark. When all is quiet, we carry Miranda back to her own bed. Then when Phoebe wakes up for the first time, we carry her into our bed. It's a big game of Musical Beds. And back to co-sleeping. Somehow it seems that this current plan-- in place for about two months now-- maximizes the family sleep and minimizes the pain. We figure that before she goes to the senior prom, she'll come around. In the meantime, we'll do what works.

Phoebe was quite proud to turn three years old. While I thought the girls would be thrilled to be the same age for a few months, Miranda quickly moved into saying she is "three and a half" while Phoebe announces that she is "just three" when she is asked her age. We tried instituting some rules about being three-- for example, that three year olds don't sit on their parents' laps at mealtime, but Phoebe was so upset by this that we let it slide. In the last few months, I've started to see Phoebe as more needy than I thought she was. In the mornings, she wakes up grouchy, except for the rare days when she says with a smile, "I woke up happy today!" Often she asks for the Ergo while I putter around the kitchen and make coffee in my bathrobe. She often whines and cries, and requires constant instruction to ask again in with kindness, respect, and good manners." Was she always like this? Is it me who has become more sensitive to the negative things? Or it this just a phase, age 3.1? Maybe some of it is that for many months, I considered Phoebe's mood swings part of the normal adoption adjustment that she would grow out of once she was securely attached. Now I know that Phoebe is securely attached. It's just personality. She's moody. She pouts and whines, and then, in an instant, she decides that she's happy again (and charming!) and carries on like nothing happened. I just hope that as she gets older she notices that the world enjoys the happy Phoebe, but does not respond so well to the grouchy Phoebe. (In the meantime, I welcome advice and suggestions, friends!)

When I griped recently to Mark about "When can we just be normal?" he reminded me, wisely, that "We signed up for this. And really, we signed up for a lot worse than this." He's right. Phoebe, in her delightful moments, really is delightful. She has only recently started to look into my eyes when she is in feeling playful and cuddly to say spontaneously, "I love you soooo much." We recently went ot the doctor for her three year old check-up, and she charmed the whole place. The nurse called her name and Phoebe pranced right through the door independently and confidently, announced "I don't want any shots" instead of saying hello, and blew right by her. She peppered the doctor with questions and observations. "I don't have that kind of computer at home. Why do you have a small computer?" My favorite moment was when the doctor washed his hands and Phoebe warned him, "Be careful-- don't get your sleeves wet." Then when he took 3 paper towels she said, "Why did you take 3? I only take one." I was glad she didn't add her usual, "It's not good for the Earth!" He reasoned, good naturedly, "My hands are bigger than yours," to which Phoebe replied with a smile and a wrinkled nose, "Oh, yeah." She really got a kick out of knee reflexes (pardon the pun), and talked for days about how he made her knee jump with a hammer.

Phoebe now lags half an inch behind Miranda in height and half a pound in weight, and their shoe size is exactly the same. My "artificial twins." Still, the age difference has not yet dissolved. Miranda plays all sorts of word games with us that Phoebe can't keep up with at all. (Say, "Doghouse." "Doghouse!" "Now say it again without the house." "Dog!") At playdates, Phoebe plays if the little friend is from Toddler House in school, but if it is a big four year old from Children's House, she still hides in my arms. Miranda is working on maps of Africa, sounding out words, and planning for being the snack girl "next Thursday, the day after tomorrow." Miranda plays the Mystery Game with us at home, putting an object under a blanket and giving us clues to help us guess. Phoebe hides the object and, with a twinkle in her eye, gives us a clue like "It's a purple notebook!" The nine month different is really delightful, in one way, because it is a constant reminder of how quickly children grow up, and how much they learn. At the same time, I feel a bit sad for Phoebe, since part of me always wants her to catch up to her sister instead of staying little.

Miranda continues to be incredibly generous. One day Miranda asked me, "Where does Phoebe sleep?" I braced myself, sure that Miranda would want into our bed too once she realized that's where Phoebe gets to sleep. I explained that Phoebe gets scared in the middle of the night, so we let her sleep with us. Miranda's response? "Maybe when we get a little bit older so we don't bonk heads we can push our beds together, and then when Phoebe wakes up scared in the middle of the night I can just reach out my hand and touch her and say 'Sh, sh, sh.'" Sometimes we have to be very firm with Miranda to tell her, "You absolutely do not have to give that up. It's yours and you are playing with it right now. Phoebe can have it when you are done." And too often Miranda, with complete sincerity, says "That's okay. I'm done with it now." Should be interesting to see how this plays out when the girls are older.

After a long winter of snow, bring on the spring!

Graduation

2011-01-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

Overnight, I feel like Phoebe has become a "big girl." Yesterday I brought her for her first haircut, to trim off the loose baby ends that have been with her since China. She now has a clean straight line of black hair, big girl. To celebrate, I brought her to the coffee shop for a cup of hot chocolate, served up in an expresso cup with a dollop of whipped cream on top.

Then last night was our first experiment with "toddler camp-out" in the master bedroom. Our sleep issues with Phoebe have waxed and waned over the last year and a half, but have never disappeared. After the nightmares of last October and November disappeared, we reinitiated "sleep training," and have finally returned to being able to say goodnight and walk out of the room, at least on most nights. But somewhere along the line Phoebe learned that when she awakens in the middle of the night she needs to shout out for us and cry a little. On a bad night, it is four or five times, and she'll cry hard if we leave the room before she is back asleep. While we've sworn off climbing in bed with her, I often end up curled up at the foot of her bed, or Mark on the floor next to her. This last week has been exhausting, and I'm thankful that Mark and I take turns so at least ever other night is something close to restful.

At the international adoption clinic back in the fall, they suggested this idea of a "camp-out"-- a mattress on the floor in the master bedroom where Phoebe can come to be close to us and feel safe, while still giving us our space. I borrowed a toddler mattress from a friend and set up a cozy space with blankets and a pillow. I walked Phoebe through a role-play of waking up and feeling like she needed to be close, then walking into our room and cuddling up in "toddler camp-out." She snuggled in a declared, "I like it."

Around 3:00 a.m., I heard pitter-patter of feet in our room. It was Miranda, who tested out the mattress for about a minute before deciding that her own bed was a warmer better place. Perfect. Around 5:00 a.m. (a remarkably late first awakening), I heard Phoebe's cry. I went to her room, and she readily accepted my suggestion to climb out of bed herself and get settled in toddler camp-out. No fuss, no crying. She snuggled in, and the whole family of four slept in this Saturday morning until a remarkable 7:00. Could this be the beginning of a whole new well-slept phase of life? Dare to dream!

And then yet another milestone today. . .Phoebe's ballet teacher invited her to step-up to the three year old class that Miranda is in. Up until now, Phoebe has taken the bring-your-adult class, and occasionally has a bad day when she does nothing more than scowl with her fingers in her mouth in her adult's arms. But after some discussion, Phoebe agreed to join the big girl class. She got into line and walked in on her tip-toes, then followed every instruction with joy. In a class of ten children, Miranda and Phoebe sat next to each other every time they formed a circle. When the other children danced across the room one at a time in line, Two Girls took their turn side-by-side; the teacher told us later that Miranda had asked if they could do so. Mark and I stood outside the glass window and marveled at what seemed like a graduation of sorts. There was Phoebe, secure and independent, without us. And those two sisters-- such good friends they are to each other. I hope they stay that way in the years to come!

Ponytails

2010-12-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

From Phoebe's earliest days with us, we witnessed an incredible determination to complete whatever she set out to do. I remember at her very first Early Intervention assessment, just two weeks after arriving, her focused concentration as she tried to get a peg into a board with holes. Most recently, Phoebe started working on doing her own hair. We first marveled when she put a hairband on her wrist, smoothed her hair back into a ponytail, then pulled the hairband from her wrist and around her hair. We watched her work, work, work to get the next step. I remember Mark, two weeks ago, saying, "If she twists it, I'm calling Mensa." And then-- she twisted it! At age 2, Phoebe can now make her own ponytail, with most of her hair pulled back, with up to four twists for a total of five loops. I can't believe it. Ends up, her teacher reveals that this ponytail making has been a big part of her "work" at Montessori school. This e-mail from her teacher Pam is classic, and worth quoting in full. Enjoy!

"I have been watching Phoebe's progress in the art of pony tail making. I have been amazed from the start. She also does great with assorted barrettes. She practices with great focus and determination. With her pony tails, she doesn't want help, and exerts such effort. In the past she would work on it over time, with breaks in between. During these breaks she would work with classroom materials with her hair down, ignoring it. Eventually, perhaps an hour or two later, she would ask Paulette or I to put a new pony tail in for her. But, until she was ready to have help, she did not want us to help her in any way. With the barrettes, she has brought them to me to help her to put them in the first couple of times and then has done them on her own. Her success with the pony tails has gone from one loose band holding her hair in somewhat of a loop last week to your observation of the three twists with the band today. But, she has been building up to this for perhaps two weeks. Here's a photo of her working as she walks which is actually how she does it. Or actually one day she worked repeatedly to make one while sitting in an assembly. I watch her in awe. During the assembly I tapped the teacher next to me and pointed to be sure she saw . It was Diane. I think my jaw has fallen open more than once as I have watched her. I remember the first few times that she took out her hair band. She spent a great deal of time with her head slightly tipped back, giving an occasional shake, and her two hands combing through her hair on each side as one does in preparation for making a pony tail. She was so adorable. . ."

The Tough Part

2010-11-09T18:31:00.000-08:00

For a while, things were really getting worse rather than better. Phoebe had been a securely attached kid, and then we spiralled down in the month of October. Suddenly she was wrapping her arms around mylegs and wailing "Don't go work! Stay with me!" complete with bigtears down the cheeks. Once she even said, as I tried to leave the house, "I scared." Bedtimes turned into disaster, and Phoebe was rejecting any comfort from Mark if I was in the house. There were up to six awakings in the night where the peaceful child suddenly shrieked in fear until I woke her up by gently shaking her shoulders. Twice she verbalized to me the contents of her nightmares, "I don't like that fish" and "I don't like those people scare me"-- what goes through her little head in the middle of the night? One night I heldthe exhausted Phoebe in my arms as she fought sleep with closed eyes and her fingers in her mouth, protested "I don't want go sleep" every few minutes. When I finally got a blessed day off of work when I wasn't post-call, Phoebe couldn't even enjoy the time together. She instead spent the day whining and clinging and generally beingmiserable. By the time Mark came home, I was pretty much just as miserable as she was.

So back to the old ways-- I read a book, the Connected Child, which reminded me not to get frustrated, but to meet her with kindness and respect as I teach her what she needs to know. I activated my support squad of friends we traveled with in China, and they offered an outpouring of suggestions. We gave up on the Big Girl bedtime routine, and pulled Phoebe back into bed with us, where she hadn'tbeen since last Spring. The Ergo came back. There was an intense weekend of playing on the floor, looking into Phoebe's eyes, and going nowhere. I let the girls visit me at work, where they got to see pregnant bellies and weigh themselves. I let Phoebe sit on my lap for dinner, and snuggle as much as we could. Back to giving her whatever she needed to feel safe and secure.

What I couldn't figure out is this: How much of this should I attribute to Phoebe's personality, how much to typical toddlerhood, and how much to adoption? And second, is this a bump in the road, or a major turning point towards a longterm attachment issue? My pediatrician told me, essentially, that I'm reading too many books. He said that children's memories are short and that at this point all Phoebe can remember is our family, so I should forget about adoption as an issue. I felt like I was walking this tightrope, not wanting to over-diagnose my child, but at the same time, not wanting to miss something important.

She responded really well to our efforts, and in less than a week after we hit bottom, we had a bedtime without crying. Admittedly, that was because I was in bed with her as she fell asleep, but at least the nightmares disappeared and the fear factor started to resolve. Last week I said goodbye and Phoebe barely looked up from her puzzle to say "bye" while I kissed her forehead-- like old times, when parting was just part of the routine instead of a traumatic event.

By the time we got to our appointment with our international adoption specialist, I think we knew that we had just hit a bump in the road,and that Phoebe was going to pull through just fine. Phoebe hadn't been there in a full year. They gave her a full developmental assessment, which delighted Phoebe. She kept asking, "More games, please, can we do more?" My goodness, she's learned a lot in a year. Last year the challenge was to lift up a hankerchef to find a little toy hidden under it. This year I watched her thread little beads onto a shoelace and point to pairs of associated objects picked out of aline-up. Rather amazing. At one point the doctor said something that registered in my mind as "Do you know how lucky you are?" My eyes filled up with tears. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. She closed the two hour visit by saying, "I don't think she has an attachment disorder. Come back if you need us."

So now, we are in recovery mode. Phoebe went to bed for Mark with no tears last week while I was on-call, and last night let Mark put her to bed while I was in the house-- the first time in weeks. We have back-tracked in many of the areas where we had previously worked really hard for progress. While I'm happy we don't have tears or fearat bedtime this week, we are now laying in bed with Phoebe until she falls asleep, even if that takes an hour or two, and the rest of the night is a game of Musical Beds. Last night I made Phoebe follow the old rule of "You don't sit my lap at the dinner table until my plate is empty," which meant that we enjoyed our pasta while Phoebe howledat my side. While it didn't make for a very peaceful meal, it did feel good to be returning to firm rules. A few weeks ago, Phoebe reacted to that kind of rule with a real fear of rejection and abandoment. Now she is back to being a normal toddler again. The next step is to start "sleep training" again, just like we did last spring, with the slow movement of the parental chair further and further from her bed each day. We graduated from co-sleeping once, and now we'll have to graduate again.

What happened? At the international adoption clinic they seem to think it was just too much change-- moving, losing our old nanny,adding our au pair to the house, starting preschool, changing the season (Phoebe hated the new fall shoes, fall pajamas, fall jackets),and having mama boldly go away for a weekend with friends. "She was letting you know that she's vulnerable," they said. "It won't be the last time. But each time it will be a little shorter than the last." At this point, we are pretty happy with that.

Deep Into the Fall

2010-10-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

The leaves are changing in New England, and my dragon and bumble bee are ready for Halloween. Long gone are the lazy days of summer where the girls could shout out ideas of what they wanted to do each day. Miranda and Phoebe are now full-fledge school girls, five days per week.

Phoebe officially "phased in" after about 7 days of having Sonja in the toddler room at school. A few days later, I had the brilliant idea of bringing the kids to school on my post-call day off. I wanted to be a "good mom"-- you know, the type who actually gets to hold her kids' hands as they walk into school together, greet their teachers, say hi to the other parents, and kiss their kids goodbye. Miranda-- no problem. Phoebe-- wrapped her little arms around my neck and said "I want to go home. With you." Reasonable, for a child who hasn't seen her mother in 24 hours. I think my sleep deprivation had clouded my judgement. The teacher pulled a chair into the Toddler House, and Phoebe cowered in my arms for an hour until she suddenly decided she was ready to engage in the activity of class. I spent the rest of the morning trying to keep my eye open in the school lobby. I learned my lesson. Children-- especially Phoebe-- love routine. Don't rock the boat. I'm not sure how long it will take before I'll be able to drop Phoebe off at school, but certainly not now.

I do, however, pick the girls up from school occasionally. Some day I'll have to get Miranda on video tape. I stand on the sidewalk with the other moms, and when she comes out the door of school in the single file line she calmly scans the crowd. When she spots me (and I hear Sonja gets the same reception), she waves with two arms, smiles, and jumps as high as she can. "You're a rock star!" one of the other parents said to me.

For the first time, my children really seem to have a life of their own beyond me. True, I've been a working mother all along, but I always have had a nanny who gives me the full run-down at the end of the day. When I got stuck on the details of a Miranda story, Keri always filled me. Now, there are many mysteries. Somehow the girls got the idea that "I'll tell you later" is a good way to answer the question of "What did you do in school today?" Sometimes I get a report like "We played the Silence Game" or "I used the Love Light," but Miranda can't quite explain these experiences that are still new to her. Or maybe it's that she wants to guard the information, to keep it as her own, in this new and independent life of hers. And Phoebe-- well, her storytelling skills are still evolving. She always answers our questions, but the answers aren't always so reliable. So, the girls go off to school without us and have become their own people, learning and growing and changing where we can't even see them.

You learn a lot about your children when they go to school. I'm learning that Miranda is a bit shy and self-conscious about making friends. During the first week I asked if there was a playhouse on the playground, and she told me, "Yes, but there were kids inside, and they didn't let me in." Oh, the lessons of the playground. I just wanted to rewind that day and mediate the moment for her, telling her little classmates, "We share, friends"-- but I wasn't there, and it is Miranda's playground to navigate. I can just take a breath as she learns to guard her heart and stand up for herself on her own. Early on, when I asked if she had any new friends in her classroom, she told me she didn't know their names. But on Day #4, she told me "Evie was playing and I walked up to her and she smiled at me!" Now she tells me daily about her which friends she played with, and I know she has settled into comfort. That initial transition, though. . .I could feel her discomfort as she felt the pressure to make friends but wasn't quite sure how to do it without someone walking her through the process.

Phoebe's teacher (Pam, the baby-whisperer, you remember from the previous post) sent us a wonderful e-mail full of Phoebe stories. What a gift for these parents who hardly ever get to see the teacher in person! It is great fun to hear her analyze Phoebe's personality. It seems that Phoebe is very eager to help. When Pam says she's going to turn off the light, Phoebe says "I'll do it," jumps up, fetches the stool, carries it across the room, puts it down, climbs up, turns off the light, brings the stool back to its place, returns to the group, and sits down. When someone is hurt or crying, Phoebe is very concerned, getting the comforting "blue towel" or a favorite toy. Once when Pam mentioned to some children that they might slow down their rushed pace, Phoebe jumped up and said "Like this" and demonstrated an exaggerated slow walk. As Pam said, "Phoebe brings joy to the classroom."

Our challenges right now? Well, it pretty much resolves around two issues-- sleep, and working too much. We had a blissful month or two when we had actually settled into a bedtime routine where we could put both girls down for bed in their shared bedroom, kiss them goodnight, and walk out. So wonderful! But starting a week or two ago, Phoebe has started to cry again, and now she is verbal enough to insist with a sharp finger "I want you to sit right here" while she wails. She is inconsolable if we leave the room, and takes, oh, up to 2 hours to really fall asleep. Maybe worse, she has started waking up in the middle of the night again, too. More often than not one of us ends up in her twin bed with her at some point in the night. Not going in the right direction.

I think much of it has to do with issue #2-- that Phoebe doesn't see me enough. Lately, call seems impossibly frequent. Last weekend I left town for a wonderful reunion with two of my closest friends (my 2/3 of my life friends-- since age 12). While the time of renewing my spirit was fabulous, my Sunday night return meant starting a new crazy week without having replenished the mommy-time-pool over the weekend. Mark is being very kind when he gently says "Phoebe is missing her mom." I think the bedtimes have been dreadful when I'm not there. Phoebe has started to ask with a sad voice, "Do you have to go to work today?" There have been many times when I've thought that my schedule allows enough time for my kids and my work but just nothing else. Lately I don't feel that. It's not enough for my kids. Especially Phoebe. And so, we are working on solutions. I think I am getting close to one, and I am dreaming about balance.

More to say-- ballet class, Phoebe withdrawals, Halloween parades, my attempts at celebrating the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival, ponderings on adoption. . .but I'll stop here for the night. I think I should blog more often (in my spare time).

School Girls

2010-09-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

(This posting I started back in early September-- It never got finished, so I'll leave it in it's raw form. )

Back-to-school festivities began last week with a home visit from Phoebe's teacher. People call Pam "The Toddler Whisperer," and there really is some other-wordly manner to how she meets children. She said a brief hello to me, then quickly focused on Phoebe, and big sister Miranda, too. The kids were rapt. They showed her their puzzles, and explored with total engagement the two "works" that she brought from the classroom: a seashell in a basket and a ball-in-a-box. The kids pointed out the three apples sewn on her dress, and Phoebe was particuarly impressed with the braid down her back. After Pam left, there was a little meltdown of "I want to go to school RIGHT NOW."

Right now came on Wednesday morning, with unusual cooperation in the brushing teeth and fixing hair category. The girls were ready 30 minutes early, leading to an agonizing wait and a little photoshoot on the front porch. (See above.)

Phoebe is in the Toddler House with the two-year olds, and there is an elaborate three week "Phase In" process that requires a parent or care provider-- preferable the same one every day-- to be present in the classroom until the teacher decides the child is ready. Now, there's no way I personally could pull that off, so Sonja has taken up the task. On that first day, we drove to school in separate cars so that Phoebe could wave a smiley goodbye to me from the house, so as not to risk a tearful goodbye at the door of the classroom. Phoebe was delighted to meet Pam at the door, and Sonja picked a chair in the middle of the room. Phoebe hung by her side for just two or three minutes, then got busy with her "work". Sonja proudly reported later that Phoebe was the only child in the mini-sized kitchen who was able to pour her own water from the faucet. There were a few check-in moments through the session when Phoebe wandered back to Sonja-- who was busy with her own quiet "work" of reading, or pretending to-- but she was overall happy to explore. There have been three days of this, so far, with Sonja still in the room. Next week, as I understand it, the teacher will tap Sonja quietly on the shoulder when Phoebe is engaged, and Sonja will say a brief goodbye as she slips out to the Lobby. There will likely be some back-and-forth if Phoebe looks concerned, until, a few days later, or maybe two weeks later, depending on the child, the teacher will give the word that Sonja can venture off of school grounds. And then we'll be rolling-- a regular school routine. It's a long process, but I am grateful that Phoebe will have the time to adjust and be comfortable, without tearful goodbye and toddler protests. When those things happen (as it did at the babysitting at the gym this week), I never know if this is just toddler behavior, or adoption issues-- and at least with this school and this long approach, I don't have to wonder. Phoebe can phase-in when she is ready.

Miranda is upstairs in the Children's House with 3-, 4-, and 5- year olds, many who are in their second or third year in the same room with the same teacher. In great contrast to the Toddler House, upstairs we were instructed just to give a cheerful "Goodbye! Have fun! See you in a little bit!" Miranda found her cubby in the hallway, put on her slippers by herself, and walked right up to the room. She was so curious about what was inside that classroom doorway that she didn't say goodbye to me, but just slowly walked in, eyes wide, a little overwhelmed, very excited. Class was only 30 minutes the first day-- just enough to explore the mini-size bathroom and a puzzle of the world. I arrived maybe 2 minutes early to pick her up, and was amazed how how these four children-- only the new children-- were already hard at work. . .

(Thoughts end here. To be continued.)

The Tail End of Summer

2010-08-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of catching up to do, if we are going to keep this blog rolling. . .

So, we packed our boxes, loaded the moving van, and moved across the bridge to the next town over. The girls' bedroom was the last thing to be packed up and the first to be unloaded, so that they could get settled in their new shared bedroom. Remember, Phoebe had still been in our bedroom, sleeping in a big girl bed but only falling asleep with a parent sitting in the room. Miranda had been falling asleep on her own. The first few weeks of two-girls-one-room were painful. Mark and I took turns, toughing it out through two hours each night from lights off until sleep. Phoebe screamed if we left the room, and Miranda would get wound up by our presence. Someone inevitably got a second wind, and then there was nothing to do but be consistent and wait it out. Until 10:00 pm. Every night. It worked. With time we started sitting in the hallway instead of the bedroom, then in the office, and finally, recently, we can tiptoe downstairs after kissing them goodnight. Major victory. (Picture is moving day, playing in our new backyard.)

In June we camped in the Berkshires with a great group of families who have a 30 year history together. The girls were quick to pick up the new vocabulary-- salamander, kayak, tent, costumes, marshmallows. A great perk at camp is the babysitting-- 6 hours a day, with fun attentive college kids on kid-duty. They were remarkably clever at drawing out the kids so their parents could slip away to hike the Appalachian trail for a few hours. At night, the four of us slept on an inflatable double mattress in the tent. Mama & Papa were a little sore by the end of the week, but it was so nice to go back to co-sleeping for just a week, with my not-so-little girls wrapped in my arms (and kicking me in the ribs) all night long. We hiked, we canoed, we turned off the cell phones. Miranda learned to sit on a mediation pillow in half-lotus at the pond's edge and breathe, and Phoebe was brave enough to go kayaking on the lake with a babysitter. Miranda even entered the Physical Feats Talent Show with an impressive Tip & Flip maneuver. (That's putting on a zip-up jacket by laying it on the floor in front of you, putting your arms in, and tossing it over your head so it lands in perfect wearable position-- for anyone not familiar with the stunt.) We came home sun-kissed and relaxed.

In July we did another week on a pond in the woods, this time in Maine at my parents' house. All seven of the kids-- my sister's three and my brother's two, plus ours-- were there. It is just delightful that Miranda and Phoebe are old enough to run laps around the porch under the direction of their big cousins while Mark and I sip gin and tonics. A loon visited us one day, right in the little cove of our beach, while were were all playing in the water. It popped right up in the middle of the chaos, stayed for a moment or two, then dove under the water and swam away. Phoebe started requesting "I want more loon!" One night Miranda asked to help cook dinner, and proudly announced as she dried the lettuce, "If I'm helping to cook dinner, then that means I'm part of the Dinner Team!" One day we went hiking in Acadia, and the girls tolerated-- dare I say enjoyed?-- two hours in the backpacks, cheering "Go, Mama, Go!" on the tough inclines. My mom and dad thought of everything, and did a beautiful job of hosting such a loud and rowdy crowd. We ended the week with homemade blueberry ice cream-- for breakfast. "That's pretty silly," Miranda said.

So where are we now? Well, this week makes 15 months since Phoebe arrived in our life. That means that in a few days she will have lived more time with us than without us. She's a master of 5-word sentences --"I want you change clothes"-- and is working on giving us the daily report at dinner (with details filled in my her big sister, who recently used a 17-word sentence that was so impressive I had to count it). I recently bought a few 20-piece cardboard puzzles for Miranda, and it took Phoebe about a week to figure out how to do them herself. She's been going to a class at the Early Intervention school once a week, and last week for the first time she waved at me and said "Bye, Mom" instead of fussing. I always get full-speed running hug that knocks me over when I pick her up. In the moon bounce, she bounces and cackles with laughter. At the last weigh in, Phoebe weighed 29 lbs 2 oz-- and surpassed her big sister by a whopping 2 oz. When our new au pair arrived to the house, Phoebe welcomed her warmly and sat down to play. No trouble, no resistance. We now have a kid who rolls with punches. Well, except when she's in a Phoebe funk. That happens about once every other day. Wow, that kid can scowl. Her eyebrows furrow and she growls "No" to every suggestion you have until she comes out of it. But if that's the biggest issue we have these days, I think we are doing pretty well.

Miranda, who was good as gold until about two years old-- oh! that's when Phoebe came home-- has become the more challenging of the two girls. She's deep into three years old, with resistance to anything that is not her idea. Bedtime is a tremendously long ordeal, with so many requests and rationalizations. She blessed us with her loudest and most extreme EVER temper tantrum the evening of Sonja's first working day. I recently declared a moratorium on brushing her hair, except once a week when it is wet and soaked with condition; that decision has significantly improved the household peace in the morning. At least she's good for other people-- usually the really difficult moments are with her parents, who will love her through it all.

Oh, yes, the au pair! Sonja, from Germany, arrived a week ago to spent a year with us. She's great-- easy to have around, so willing to help, excited to be starting this year of discovery abroad. The kids are so enthralled that they are tracking her every move-- "Where's Sonja? Is Sonja awake? Is Sonja home yet?" There was one beautiful moment on Sonja's second night when she came into the bedroom during post-bath time rituals and gave the kids each a quiet scalp massage. Phoebe hung her head into her chest and let out the most content little sighs of bliss while Sonja worked on her scalp. At that moment I knew that this is going to work out just fine.

I notice a lot of blogs are quiet for the summer-- everyone is busy eating watermelon on the porch and taking their bikes to the beach, I suppose. I also feel like we've become sort of a stabilized family this summer-- with fewer interesting changes and things to say. And I'm pretty happy about. I could do a little commentary on how I work too much and don't have time for anything other than work, kids, and marriage-- and how I long for books, friendship, and exercise-- but this is the life we have right now, and those three things that I do a lot of are good. Very, very good.

One Year

2010-05-23T18:29:00.001-07:00

One year ago today, Mark and I walked into a conference room in the Gloria Hotel in Nanchang, China, and found little Phoebe looking very alone in the lap of a nanny who was a stranger to her. I lifted her into my arms, and took her into my life forever.

I think of those early weeks and months, when we thought that Miranda's Laurie Berkner DVD of kids music was just too much stimulation for this overwhelmed child to handle. If we were out of the house for an hour or two, I was eager to get home. We hunkered down. We refused to let anyone hold her but us. I snuggled with Phoebe in the Ergo while Miranda jumped away in the moon bounce on the Common. Phoebe cried herself to sleep, awoke from naps with shrieks, and slept between us at night. Visitors came to us, and all the usual summer trips and travels were off. We were busy doing much of nothing-- just being close, learning to trust each, and becoming family.

Gradually we added more action, and Phoebe now says "no home" when we call an end to hours of outdoor play. Today, she shouted in that very loud Phoebe voice "Hi, Steve!" to the neighbor as we headed for ice cream, and loudly declared, "I LIKE Captain Dusty ice cream." I-- her mother-- still sees hints scars from too many transitions in her early years, but overall she is a healthy, happy kid who trusts her parents and adores her sister. Yesterday we gathered with about ten of the families who shared our trip to China with us. One year is a tremendous time in the life of any small child, but these children demonstrate more than normal development changes. Whereas one year ago they had fear, doubt, and uncertainty, now they have confidence, trust, and love. Not to mention shiny hair, smooth skin, and chubby thighs.

Today we celebrate one year together, and just two days after that we will call an end to our year of laying low. We are moving-- just two miles away, but still, a move it is. We'll pack all that we call ours into boxes and unload it in our new home. We'll find new neighbors, new playgrounds, new story hours at the new library, a new YMCA, and new little friends. I think of how distressed Phoebe was months ago when we disassembled the cribs to make room for big girl beds, and I worry a little bit about how she will take it. But at the same time, I feel like it is time. I hope that through this transition Phoebe will learn that while many things around her change, her family does not. We go with her. Always.

Finally Final

2010-04-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

We arrived at the Probate Courthouse this morning dressed up and smiling. At the security gate we passed our camera through the metal detector and the guard said, "Adoption?" On the way through the court house guards everywhere offered congratulations as we passed. Judge Blake invited us into her chambers with great fanfare. She let the kids bang her gavel and sort through her treasure drawer. Then she sat at her desk, did her best to pronounce Phoebe's full name, signed the official document, and declared our adoption final. Final, finally. Yippeeee!!

We started paperwork four and a half years ago now. It was one year ago this week when held Phoebe's photograph in our hands and saw her face for the first time. What a long journey it has been. What a beautifully happy journey!

Making Peace

2010-03-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

In the excitement of Phoebe's party, Miranda refused a nap. Her grandparents were visiting and there was just too much going on, so we let us stay up for "Quiet Time" with the adults. She did fine through the party until she had a major meltdown in the bathtub later that evening. After a bath long enough to make prunes of her fingers, Mark insisted that it was time to get out. Some protests later, he resorted to our usual technique of "I'll count to three, and you can either do it yourself, or I'll do it for you on three." Miranda opted to dig in her heels, and what followed was one of the top 5 ever Miranda Meltdowns, with her poor grandparents in the house to witness it.

After about 20 minutes of sobbing and screaming, Mark took Phoebe to bed and I took Miranda. She finally stopped crying and settled into bed for nighttime reading. We snuggled and I wiped her nose. Three books later, when I tucked her in and kissed her on the cheek, she looked up and quietly said, "I want Papa."

I fetched Mark from Phoebe's room and told him Miranda wanted to talk. Sure enough, that's exactly what she wanted to do. In quiet clear words, she recounted the events. "I wanted to stay in the tub. . . I cried and cried." Mark explained why he did what he did and told her he loved her. He kissed her goodnight, and that was the end of that. He came downstairs looking a little perplexed and very touched.

If the rest of us would insist on making peace and talking it out before we turn out the lights, I think the world would be a different place. Two years old. Quite amazing.

Dedication

2010-03-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

At long last, we had a party for Phoebe. In the words of the invitation:

"This party is for Phoebe-- to say Happy 2nd Birthday, and Welcome Home. Party day will be just around the time of our one year anniversary of getting Phoebe's referral-- the day when we finally saw her picture at the end of our long wait. It will also be almost 10 months since the day she was placed in our arms. So much has happened since then! She has learned to walk and talk, to laugh ("funny!") and sing-- and to love and trust. We want to celebrate the person she is and how blessed we are to have her as our daughter."

We dedicated her that morning at the unitarian church, surrounded by my parent, my sister and her family, and a congregation that has become our home over the last year. Mark and I made these promises to our daughter:

"We are your parents and we will care for you.

We promise to reveal the adventure of life.

We promise to learn from your challenges and inspirations.

We promise to tell you the simple truth.

We promise to pay attention to your small moments.

We promise to open our hearts fully to your love.

We promise to hold your birth parents in a special place in our hearts with deep gratitude for bringing you life.

We promise to teach you about our sisters and brothers around the world.

We love you with all our hearts, and dedicate ourselves to do all that we can to share with you the beauty and goodness of life."

When the white rose touched Phoebe, she gave a perplexed cockeyed look and promptly wiped off its wetness. Little Miranda, with her hand in her mouth for comfort in front of the crowd, managed to whisper "yes" when asked if she would do her best to be a good big sister to Phoebe. My parents promised to share their stories with her as they guide her on her path. And our family and congregation offered their support and encouragement.

We had great Open House party that lasted all day long on Sunday, with a brief intermission for naptime. We have been in Salem for just a year and a half now, and I am so happy to have a great network of friends who make this a wonderful place to be. My sister Lauren and her famil drove all the way from Pennsylvania to join us, which meant the world to me. Phoebe was able to be part of her party in a way she couldn't possibly have done last summer. She ambled about with her little friends-- neighbors, church friends, the twins who met their parents on our same trip to China, companions from storytime and Book Buddies-- thoroughly tearing about the playroom with nothing but glee. She looked a bit shocked and overwhelmed when 45 people surrounded her in song as the cake came out, but held it together in a chair by herself until we blew out the candles together. Boy does this kiddo have a sweet tooth! After 2 pieces of cake and a few cookies, I caught her standing on a chair in the kitchen swiping frosting off the leftover cake. When I interrupted her adventures she just said in the most polite voice possible, "More cake, please."

I am completely in love with this child. Oh, Phoebe Ling, I hope by the day you read this blog yourself, printed in book that you can keep forever, you will be able to say, yes, my parents kept those promises to me. We will do our best.

Signs of Spring

2010-03-07T19:25:00.000-08:00

Winter in New England, not an easy thing. But this past weekend was a gift-- 56 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. By the end of the weekend, there were hints of flowers peeking up from the ground, and at long last the piles of dirty snow had mostly disappeared. The town came to life, with the playground crawling with kids burning off months of pent-up energy. I'm not naive enough to think that Spring has come-- this is early March, I know. I imagine there will still be another snow storm or two, and some very cold days. But it won't last. The worst is over. Soon we'll be walking in sandals and hanging laundry out on the line again.

The girls were giddy with excitement. First we got out the tricycles. Last Spring Miranda got hers, but by the end of the summer she still hadn't figured it out. This weekend she discovered that her legs are long enough to reach the pedals and she has enough power to propel forward. The Common has long straight paved paths through the middle, and after a few minutes of false starts and pedaling backwards, she figured it out. "Look! I can do it!" She was off, and so happy to be independently moving. Phoebe needs a little more help from behind to keep moving in the right direction, and some guidance with the handlebars to stay on track, but I promise if you give her another month or two she'll be on her way. So there we were, riding trikes to the Common. No stroller, no Ergo. Big girls on trikes.

And then on Sunday we took a bike ride to the beach about a mile from our house. Last year we tried this, but Phoebe was scared and intimidated and really didn't enjoy the outing at all. This time, it was great fun, with Phoebe narrating the whole way: "Motorcycle!! Bike!! Truck!! Water!!" We parked the bikes and had the beach to ourselves. The girls grabbed their shovels and buckets, and took off on their own little beach adventures. Mark and I, parents of girls who grew up over the winter, stood back with the sun on our faces and the quiet waves of the harbor before us. We talked about where we are now, and were we are going in the next few years. Spring does this sort of thing to people.

It's like coming out of the dark. When added Phoebe to the family, we spent a good deal of time hunkering down and being, well, a family of four. We walked on eggshells last summer, constantly wondering if Phoebe was overstimulated, insecure, scared, overwhelmed. I remember avoiding the Laurie Berkner music video-- Miranda's favorite-- because it was just too action-packed for Phoebe to handle. We kept outings short, our body contact maximized, and our separations minimal. And now, Spring comes, and suddenly, Phoebe is a well-adjusted kid.

It's a funny thing about adopting a toddler. Last year at this time, we were expecting a baby. I had saved all of Miranda's baby clothes from sizes 3-6 months up, and all the baby paraphernalia. Phoebe was older than we expected, and bigger and sturdier than we imagined. So here we are, less than a year later, with a kid who wears underpants, speaks in sentences, sleeps in a big girl bed, and rides a tricycle. Our baby days are over. There's great celebration as we hit each milestone. I love to hear Phoebe shout "I did it!" But when Miranda curls up in my arms and says, "I'm your little teeny tiny baby" when she wants to cuddle, I can't help but miss those early days.

Hurry, hurry Spring! I think we are in for one very fun summer around here.

Happy Birthday, Phoebe!

2010-02-27T10:01:00.001-08:00

Birthday tricycle. . .
Sisters!
The official Phoebe at Two portrait on the red chair.
Yum, birthday ice cream!
Blow!

Phoebe is now two years old, which she will tell you with a very curt and definitive "tu" with her fingers held up. Miranda is quite pleased with the idea that they are both two now, and told me "I don't want to be three."

I think every parent of an adopted child knows about the extra layer of emotions that underlies their child's birthday. We sing and blow candles and Skype with grandparents and open gifts and celebrate. But at night, after our child is down, now one year older, we think about the day she was born. Oh, Phoebe. I so wish I had information to give her. We have books called "The Night You Were Born" and "The Day You Were Born"-- written independently, by completely different authors-- both which depict nature singing in celebration for the birth of a child. We read these, and I do think the great world sang when Phoebe was born. But clearly there was pain and sadness there, whatever her story was. I thank her birth parents for giving her life, and her birth mother for carrying her and birthing her. While I am so thankful to have Phoebe as my daughter, I can't help but to sting a bit at the injustice of the world that her birth mother can't experience the joy of this child. I don't know what happened-- maybe she didn't want to parent, who knows. But if it was poverty and politics that forced her to leave her child to be found-- in a country where putting a child up for adoption is illegal, so leaving identifying information for "open adoption" is never an option-- my heart breaks for her.

But on the celebrating front-- Phoebe's doing beautifully well. I was away all last weekend in Pennsylania celebrating my niece Claire's last dose of chemotherapy, and Phoebe did fine with my absence and return. She needed some extra snuggling the next day, but nothing more, and Miranda needed it, too. We did a third try at babysitting at the gym this week. The first time, Phoebe willingly stayed with no tears after I spent 30 minutes or so with her in transition. The second time, she cried when I left with a beeper and strict instructions to call me for more than 2 minutes of tears-- I never got paged, she did fine. This time, after much verbal preparation, Phoebe joined her sister in an excited dance at the gate to Kid's Club, saying "Bye-bye Mama" before I could kiss her goodbye. I spied a bit when I returned, and found Miranda and Phoebe in the company of a six year old who was leading them in Ring-a-Round-the-Rosy and Follow the Leader, crawling in a line on the floor. I watched Phoebe join both hands with her new friend and jump up and down laughing. When I called their names, my Two Girls came tumbling into my arms, happy to see me and ready to go. I nearly cried.

There are moments like that when I think, we've done it! Attached! Secure! And then. . .just two nights later, while Mark was working late, my cell phone rang during bathtime. There was massive obstetric disaster at the hospital, with one doc operating alone and the on-call back-up 35 minutes away. I live 6 minutes away. I whipped the kids out of the bathtub, threw on diapers and pajamas, tossed them in the car, and sped away. Miranda got it, saying from her carseat as we pull into the ambulance bay, "Mama, a baby needs your help right now? You have to help someone?" But poor Phoebe. I tried telling her all the things that worked at Kid's Club, "Mama is going to kiss you goodbye and then I'll come back in a little while. Your mama always comes back." But when we ran in to the hospital and I plunked her in the lap of the secretary at the nurse's station and kissed her goodbye, her scared little face melted in panic. Now, I knew there was someone potentially dying in the OR, and the nurses were pleading with me, "Don't worry, we'll take care of her, GO!" I paused, kissed her, looked her in the face, and told her I loved her. We've been so careful never to do this to her, never to leave when she isn't ready for it. I think it was the most painful moment I've had with Phoebe since I became her mother. Leaving Phoebe is not like leaving Miranda.

I left her. She cried, and then hunkered down in a stranger's lap with her fingers in her mouth while Miranda had great adventures with stickers, temporary tatoos, and snacks. The patient survived-- a miracle, given the situation. I came to find Phoebe an hour later, just before Mark showed up. She came into my arms, but in that quiet, finger-sucking, tear-streaked, withdrawn way. As we buckled the kids into their carseats, Miranda boasted "Mama, I did not cry!" and Phoebe perked up to her usual self. But the whole thing was a reminder, again, that Phoebe-- who has fewer issues than I ever dreamed a kid adopted as a 15 month old toddler could-- is broken. Our work is not done.

But on her birthday, I celebrate her! Her progress is amazing. I love to hear the conversations. After a sneeze: "Bless you, Miranda." "Thank you, Phoebe." "Welcome, Miranda." Phoebe is in big girl panties all day now, and falls to sleep happily in her own bed after I tuck her in. She sings the ABCs (with some mumbling around LMNOP), and counts to 9. She moved up to the big girl classroom (parents leave rather than stay) at Early Intervention school this week, where she is officially "a community kid" since she placed out of services. She can do one good Hokey Pokey dance. She's strong and healthy and bright. How on earth did we get so lucky?

Happy 2nd Birthday, Phoebe!

Vacation

2010-02-12T18:41:00.000-08:00

I learned this week that "Stay-cation" is actually a word, and I suppose that's what we are doing. Since we came home from China eight months ago, we've been working, and at some point we decided it might be a good idea to give our nanny a break and take a week off. So, what have we done? Well, Mark and I both visited the dentist. I closed out a bank account and ordered the missing screws for our broken high chair. Bought new jeans. Finished a novel. Worked out several times. Sent Mark off to yoga class. Visited a few schools for the girls, and decided on Montessori. Took the girls to a local museum filled with model railroads and dollhouses. Bounced in a moon bounce and learned for the first time in my life how to keep a hoola-hoop up. But for the exciting stuff--

Number one, Mark and I went on a date. Actually, TWO dates! Shocking! The babysitter was a nanny of our neighbors, and the girls have always loved her. We instructed Dook on the bedtime routine, but told her that we fully expected that the girls would be awake when we got home at 8:15, especially Phoebe. But when we walked in the door, the house was silent. Both girls had gone down without so much as a sniffle. "Phoebe's fine," Dook told us. "She's normal. I think you can go out more often." In the morning, the girls woke up with no trouble at all and told us what a great time they had with Dook. Meanwhile, Mark and I had drinks at the historic hotel a few blocks from home that we had never been inside, followed the dinner at our favorite restaurant in Salem-- that we hadn't been to since, oh, the month we moved into Salem. Then later in the week the two of us drove in to Boston for a slow afternoon stroll through the Museum of Fine Arts. It was like old times. So nice!

Number two-- this is big news!-- we started potty training. Phoebe had a headstart in all of this, because I'm pretty sure she was potty trained in China. Every picture I have of her in foster care she was sitting on a beaten up old wicker chair with a pot underneath it. On our first morning together in the hotel in Nanchang, Phoebe woke up with a dry diaper. We put her on the potty and did the "shushsush" we had heard about, and sure enough, she peed-- but screamed while she did it with a panic that I didn't understand. Enough of that-- we put the diaper back on her and kept her off the potty after that.

We've had potties in the bathrooms for more than a year, frequently give stickers just for sitting on the potty, and occasionally check out the Prudence video from the library, but there had been very little potty action. So this week, I was changing Phoebe's diaper in the playroom while telling Miranda, "You, too, one day will tinkle on the potty," when suddenly Phoebe shouts "Potty!" She springs up and darts to the bathroom, sits down on the potty, concentrates, and poops! Oh, Miranda cheered and cheered. Since then, for four days in a row, Phoebe had pooped on the potty. She gets a great look of concentration, then whispers to me "coming" followed by "did it." Well, Miranda has been trying and trying, now that her little sister is doing it. We did a day of training pants, but she only wet them. We sat on the potty, and read lots of books. Nothing. She was very game to try, but after long patient attempts with a bladder that I knew was full, she couldn't figure out the coordination. She finally asked for a diaper, and it was wet in a minute.

Tonight, Phoebe's call for the potty came during bath time. That is a big improvement over the days when we had to evacuate Miranda from the tub on a regular basis after Phoebe's mid-bath accidents. Phoebe got out soaking wet, and did her usual productive thing. Suddenly Miranda yelled, "I have to tinkle!" and sure enough-- she did it, in the potty, with a great look of surprise and pride on her face. Lucky for us, just before dinner Miranda had discovered how to independently use the spigot on the water jug in the kitchen, so she drank about three glasses of water with her meal. So she proceeded to pee a total of four times before bath time was over. She got it! In between Miranda's moments Phoebe actually stuck back onto the potty for a repeat performance when we weren't looking. That was one busy potty! I couldn't stop cheering and hugging and handing out stickers to my big girls. Plan for tomorrow: training pants, lots of salty snacks, and a whole day at home learning that there is an alternative to diapers. Some people take a February vacation in the Caribbean. But for us, well, here's to Stay-cation.

(Oh, Miranda and Phoebe, I'm sorry to go public here. I'm writing this whole blog for you, you know, to chronicle our early years together. I can't help it here-- you can't imagine how wonderful it is to watch you two learn how your bodies work, and to watch you so quickly change from babies to little girls. You'll understand how exciting potty training is only if you have kids of your own one day. Until then, my apologies.)

Snippets

2010-02-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

This week, Mark and I are on vacation. This is a stay-at-home vacation, with no plans to go far. To be honest, there are lots of plans. I'm letting Mark stay unaware of the schedule, and each evening I let him know what is on the itinerary the next day, so as not to feel over-programmed and overwhelmed. In between the date nights, yoga classes, dentist appointments, Children's Museum, preschool visitations, etc, there is a lot of time to just be together.

The girls are really getting to be a lot of fun to be with. Every night after dinner we have a jam session of favorite songs, and they won't let us stay sitting down. Hokey-Pokey is the current favorite, but the Alligator Song is a close favorite (it involves some snapping and a progress decrease in the number of monkies sitting on the tree). Phoebe loves Wheels on the Bus, and sings an impressive number of letters in the alphabet song. Ring-a-Round-the-Rosy is also high entertainment around here.

Phoebe is now up to four word sentences, like "I drop it, please" (= Please pick it up for me), "I like it, please" (= Can I have some please?), and "Opa, where are you?" (when Opa drifts out of view on the Skype video call).

Miranda's conversations are quite interesting now. Today Phoebe put on new shoes that came with a squeak in the sole and Miranda said, "Oh, they squeak! That make me smile and laugh." Yesterday when a song she liked came on she said, "This was my faaaavorite song when I was a little kid." When I told her the reason I had not hung a Chinese string of beads in the car was that I didn't have a hanger she told me, "That's okay. Maybe the hanger truck will come and bring some." I remember someone telling me when Miranda was nine months old that it only gets to be more and more fun as they get older. Now two and a half years into parenting, I completely agree.

The girls are becoming closer and closer in their developmental age as Phoebe catches up to her big sister, nine months ahead. They both suddenly got interested in Playdough enough to keep themselves busy for 20 minutes or so with a rolling pin and cookie cutters. They can wash their hands themselves, and brush their teeth. We now read books together at night, and while Miranda absorbs the storyline and asks questions, at least now Phoebe is content to sit attentively through the whole reading of Madeline or Horton Hatches the Egg. In some things, Phoebe is now passing Miranda. Phoebe learned to spit while brushing her teeth, while Miranda just can't get past the idea of not swallowing the swig of water. And today after I gave Miranda the pep talk of "Maybe someday you'll sit on the potty and tinkle just like I do," Phoebe suddenly said "Potty!" She ran to the bathroom where I helped undo her diaper, and sure enough, she sat on the pot and produced. Miranda cheered and cheered for her-- with no hint of being upstaged by her little sister.

The other day Two Girls were running in and out of the living room, each time with an announcement to me of "We'll be RIGHT-- BACK!" After several rounds of this, I darted into the play tent after they made their exit. On return, they trotted in and then stopped dead when they found the empty room. "Where's Mama?" Miranda asked. And then she answered her own question with a whisper into Phoebe's ear: "She's hiding. Let's find her!" After a whole round of false leads by Mark ("Do you think she's under the blanket? Nope, not there!"), I sneezed for them. When Phoebe opened the tent door and found me inside, you can't imagine the jumping and laughing and howling that followed from my two girls.

On the sleep front, I am amazed. It took Phoebe a total of eight days of "Sleep Training" before she would just let us lay her down on her pillow and sit on the far side of the room in a rocker while she fell asleep quickly and quietly. There were just two days of crying when I sat at the foot of her bed and told her over and over again that it's okay, I'm here. Last night, as soon as I turned out the lights, she said, "Nite-nite, please," and didn't even let me hold her in the rocker for Thank You Prayers. I lay her down and she snuggles into her pillow, looking as happy as can be. I tell her she looks snug as a bug in her big girl bed, kiss her, and walk away. I am so proud of Phoebe. Sleep is a major issue for kids who are adopted, and I worried a lot about if she was ready to be out of our bed and our arms, sleeping on her own. I'm quite sure now that she was ready, and I think she's really proud of her accomplishments. She talked to all three of her grandparents this weekend, and the first thing she said to each of them--unprompted-- was "Big Girl Bed!" Truth be told, she still wakes up once or twice every night, and sometimes I end up falling asleep at the foot of her bed, but I'm trusting that with time those awakenings will disappear.

A major change, too, is that after double-teaming for getting into pajamas and brushing teeth, now Mark and I take turns reading books and tucking in, while the other cleans up from dinner. With this new divide-and-conquer method, we have the evening to ourselves as early as 8:00 pm. Oh, what a change! I have my professional life organized, my desk cleared, suppers cooked ahead of time, and groceries in the fridge. I'm 200 pages into a novel-- the first book I've read since China. Mark and I have time to lounge around the living room while he plays the guitar and I read. We are about one week into this new life, and it feels absolutely decadent. We are returning to balance around here.

Big Changes

2010-01-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

A few nights after Phoebe arrived in our arms in China, we had our guide translate her papers from foster care. What we had already discovered by trial and error was confirmed: "If you try to lay her down in her crib to put her to bed, she'll cry. You have to hold her until she falls asleep."

Now, we had that same problem with Miranda at four months old, and our pediatrician said that falling asleep at the breast was trouble. He convinced us that a baby needs to know how to put herself to sleep, and "crying it out" is the way to do it. It took only a few painful nights, and then Miranda figured it out. Since then, we've tucked her in, kissed her goodnight, and walked out of the room.

Contrast that to Phoebe. Our routine, seven months into our life together, was to finish the bedtime rituals and then lay down with her in the master bed until she fell asleep. If it took more than 15 minutes, I generally gave up and put her in the Ergo while I puttered around downstairs, and then would transfer her to the crib after she fell asleep on my back. At the first nighttime awakening, we pulled her into the master bed again. For naps, our nanny used the Ergo 100% of the time, and then transferred to the crib. Phoebe hadn't once in her whole life little life put herself to sleep.

That was the routine as it usually worked-- "whatever it takes" and "it's only a phase, it won't last forever" were things we said. True, not very good sleep hygiene, but it worked. Except when it didn't. If we rose out of the master bed or transferred her out of the Ergo too quickly and misjudged just how deeply asleep we thought she was, she would awaken with a second wind. Goodbye evening time-- cooking tomorrow's dinner, finishing documentation from the day's office hours, and doing the laundry. Yes, fun to have extra playtime for this mom who works too much. But, oh, it made me crabby to have Phoebe up and chipper until 10:30 at night when I called it quits. A few days after the big girl beds arrived, this missed window routine happened twice, and that was about it. I had it. Something had to give.

You can't Ferberize an kid adopted as a toddler-- or at least I can't do it to Phoebe. One mom who adopted with us shared what she sees as the mistakes she made with her first adopted child (I'm so thankful!), and she feels like Ferberizing was one of the big ones. The last thing Phoebe needs is to cry it out alone in a dark room, wondering if she's arrived at the next great abandoment in her life.

So, we are trying "Good Night, Sleep Tight" by "The Sleep Lady," Kim West. It's a kinder and gentler way to Ferberize. We had to lay down some groundrules: Phoebe sleeps only in Phoebe's room. The bedtime rituals always happen, in order, no variation. Rules are rules, 100% of the time. Nap and bedtime happen on schedule, and nap ends after 2.25 hours. We moved Phoebe's big girl bed into our bedroom, tucked under the sloping attic ceiling a ways away from our bed. And we told Phoebe that we are teaching her to sleep.

We tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, and then stay present in the room, but ignore her until she goes to sleep, with nothing more than some "Shhhh" comforting sounds. The first night, I lay with her but not touching her. She talked and babbled and counted and bounced until she fell asleep. You can't believe how quickly she caught on. On night #4, Mark stood by the bedside rather than in it, and was out of the room with Phoebe's sound asleep in 10 minutes. Last night (#5) I sat at the foot of her bed and played with my iPhone while she drifted off, 15 minutes. We only had crying on one night. And the nanny-- she's done better than we have with naps. It takes her two minutes, no failures so far.

We'll keep moving further away, with the first big goal being to be able to sit on the master bed with the laptop until Phoebe falls asleep. Middle of the night awakenings are still there, and we've debated how to handle them. For now, we are still climbing into bed with her-- but not letting her into our bed. I think those awakenings will just disappear, eventually, maybe after she has learned how to put herself to sleep.

In addition to these major sleep changes, yesterday was another milestone. I brought the kids to the "Kid's Club" at the YMCA, where Miranda loves to stay while I run upstairs to the gym. There is a strict "no parents beyond this point" policy, so I wasn't at all sure how Phoebe would walk away from me to engage on the other side. She watched Miranda play from my arms for a while, and then asked to get down and play. I passed her over the wall and said goodbye. She said "Bye-bye" back and I slipped out with no tears. I checked on her every 5-10 minutes, and the sitters kept giving me thumbs-up through the glass windows. When I returned for good, she ran into my arms with smiles, and told me she had fun.

I've learned in these last few months that the rules of parenting an adopted child are different than that of biologic children. I've been much more cautious and slow with Phoebe, and I worry much more about her emotional wellbeing. When Phoebe headbutted me the other day and I sternly (perhaps too sternly) reprimanded her through the stars I was seeing, I watched her face transform from amusement to utter devastation, and I worried in that moment that she thought she was losing my approval and love forever. Someone asked me during these sleep discussions how long the attachment issues usually last with adopted kids, and I took a deep breath with the realization that no matter how smoothly things go, pieces of these issues will be with Phoebe forever.

Having said that, I think times are changing here. We are coming out of the early days of our adoption, and transitioning into more "normal" family dynamics. These days Phoebe is learning to trust that she is safe and loved even alone in her bed, and that her mama will of course return from the gym. Soon we'll be getting a babysitter for date night, and maybe we'll all be sleeping the night.

Big Girl Beds

2010-01-11T19:07:00.001-08:00

About two months ago Mark came downstairs after putting Miranda down and said, "I hope this wasn't a major tactical error, but Miranda said, 'Miranda want sleep in guest room,' so I let her." And that was the end of the crib for Miranda. Since then I've been logging on daily to Craig's List looking for the perfect matching set of wooden beds, and finally scored. Mark set out in a rented U-Haul to pick up the set, and I got to work disassembing the cribs. Phoebe got a bit upset at all the commotion, and kept asking "Happen?", which is Phoebe-speak for "What is going on?" By the time Mark came home, the nursery was gone-- the changing table, the old dresser, the twin cribs.

I underestimated how much work it is to set up a bedroom-- washing down two beds and two dressers, and then assembling them all. And who knew what all is involved in a bed-- the bed, the rails, the mattress, the mattress pad, the sheets, the skirt (which needed to be ironed), the pillows, the blankets, the comforters. Phew! It was midnight-- with Miranda sound asleep in the guest room for the last time-- when we finished.

In the morning, after quite a big build-up, the kids opened the door of the their bedroom like it was Christmas morning. They ooohh'd and ahh'd and giggled. Miranda was impressed with the "door" where the guardrail breaks, though she struggled to hoist her little self up through the opening and onto the bed. "My big girl bed!" she declared over and over. Phoebe just looked with her fingers in her mouth, thinking "Hey, does this mean I can't sleep with Mom and Dad anymore?" and eventually flat out declared "No" when asked if she liked her bed. But Miranda was tickled. And she slept a great night last night alone in her bedroom.

So, now, we are done with breast feeding, bottles, pacifiers, and cribs. I do believe the baby days are nearly over for this family. Tonight I sat in Miranda's bed with one girl on each side of me, reading one last book before turning out the lights. Then I tucked her in, pulled up the blanket, made sure the pillow was comfortable, and kissed her goodnight. My big girl!

All Caught Up

2009-12-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas was extra sweet this year. After four Christmas of saying that we were adopting "soon," at long last, Phoebe is with us. I am acutely aware of what miracle this thing called adoption is, and how lucky we are to have her as our daughter.

Christmas was just wonderful. We drove seven plus hours to Pennsylvania, where my parents had been preparing for a solid month to host a big Christmas celebration. The house was full of Christmas trees and lights, and every meal was a gourmet feast. Both my siblings were there, too, with their combined five kids. Gabe falls right between Miranda and Phoebe in the line-up of grandchildren, and those three little ones played and played hard! The girls just loved being fussed over by their Grammy and Opa. On the way home we had to field Miranda's question about five times, "Why we have to go home?"

A few days before Christmas, the Early Intervention team returned to our house with their bags of puzzles and mind twisters for tots to give Phoebe her second full evaluation. Six months ago, she took a peg in her little fist and tried with all her might to get it in the hole, but just couldn't do it. This time, plunk, plunk, plunk, she gently placed all six pegs in their holes, with extra points for finishing in under 30 seconds. She eagerly whizzed through all their tests, and in the end scored a full four months ahead of her biologic age. Six months ago, she scored two months behind. That adds up to a full year of developmental progress in the last six months. They circled "ineligible for services" on the bottom of the page, and invited her to continue coming to their weekly group sessions, now as a "community kid" with no more special needs.

Phoebe, it ends up, is one smart little cookie who loves to learn. The holidays were full of comments like "Ohhhh! Lights! Pretty!" After playing with a line-up of kid-size chairs for an hour or so the night before, Phoebe woke up the next morning singing "chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga CHOO CHOO." She quickly learned the names of her cousins and grandparents, and is constantly announcing new words (whale, tights, loud, elephant). She's now putting two and even three words together, surprising me every time I hear things like "I see you!", "I got it!" "Oh no, (what) happened?" and "More cookie, please." Her manners are quite refined, with spontaneous pleases and thank yous sprinkled about. Mark is particularly fond her of enthusiastic "Welcome!" when she places something in his hands. As we left Grammy Kate and Opa's house after four wonderful days in Pennsylvania, she yelled out "Thank you!" She can do "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" with all the movements. On the long drive home there was a beautiful moment during a rousing verse of "If You're Happy and You Know It" when both girls shouted "Hooray!" with perfect synchronization and gusto.

Miranda continues to be a great big sister. During a little Phoebe meltdown on the trip to Pennsylvania, she put her fingers in her ears and quietly said, "That's too loud. Don't cry Phoebe. It's alright." When Phoebe drifted off to sleep, her fingers came out of the her ears and she said, "That's better." I had to laugh today when little Miranda was making what for her was a loud joyful noise, and Phoebe pointed an accusing finger at her and shouted-- in a voice three times as loud as Miranda can dream of making-- "Loud!" Miranda is starting to be a conversationalist now. She listens to lyrics of songs and asks questions ("Why he throw the television out the window?") and remembers the next day stories we tell that weren't necessarily directed at her ("Your truck got stuck in the mud?").

For my friends and followers, thank your traveling with us this year. My wish for you is a healthy, happy, joy-filled 2010.

Six months ago today

2009-11-25T18:44:00.001-08:00

Six months ago today, Phoebe became our daughter. Just the night before, she arrived in our arms. Here is Phoebe, during our first minutes together.

That was a moment of such great joy for me, but you see Phoebe-- so much uncertainty. She woke up that morning with the only family she could remember, the foster family who had cared for her for just over a year. Many hours later, after a three hour bus trip with a bunch of babies and nannies she didn't know, she was placed in our arms. I remember the clicking noise she kept making in the back of her throat. I know Phoebe, and she certainly cries when she is scared, angry, or overwhelmed. She didn't cry that day. Not once. I think she must have been far beyond scared. Too scared to cry.

And this is Phoebe now:

This child has brought me so much joy. My favorite moment of the day is when I open the back door and hear the squealing of "Mama!!" with the pattering of feet, and then get bowled over by my two toddlers as they collapse in my arms with their giggles. When I watch her doing her naked butt-shaking dance, when she insists "Read it!" for the fifth time, when she curls up in my lap with her thumb in her mouth, when she outs her naughty trick with a proud shout of "I did it!"-- I just love her to pieces. Of all the children in the world, how did I get so lucky to have this one as my daughter?

On this Thanksgiving, I am so incredibly grateful that somehow in this big world, Phoebe came into our lives.

Reminder

2009-11-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

Overall, Phoebe is doing beautifully. But every once in a while there are reminders that she is still fragile. Two this week--

While the girls were watching Big Bird in China for the first time, during a sentimental song of "I love you" and "Hello" in both English and Mandarin, I leaned down to find Phoebe's eyes brimming with tears. I snatched her into my arms and called Mark over, and Phoebe gently touched our faces and peaked into Mark's pocket as single tear rolled down her cheek. No more Big Bird in China for a while.

Then I made a major attachment error, and left the girls napping with my parents in the house while I jetted to the store, two hours after my folks arrived for a visit. Phoebe woke up too quickly from her nap, and was not happy to find no mama, no papa, no nanny-- just Grammy and Opa, whom she knows but not too well. What worried me was the reunion. I found little Phoebe on the couch with tear-streaked face, thumb in the mouth, eye looking down. As I came in the door there was no relief, no happiness. Just that frozen thumb-in-the-mouth pose that didn't change when I held her, hugged her, kissed her. She didn't look at me for a good five minutes, then warmed up into her usual smiles. But it shook me up a little. Five months into our life together, Phoebe is still clearly afraid of abandonment. She's not yet 100% convinced that we are forever.

On a happier note, Halloween was fun! Miranda, who talks like mad these days, learned the word "candy," which had somehow eluded her until now. Phoebe's a little chocolate monster, too! Thankfully they forgot all about leftovers by morning-- I'm sure we won't be that lucky in another year or two!

Fall Fun

2009-10-25T18:14:00.001-07:00

(This is the kind of silliness that we have around here!)

I can't think of a better way to spend a fall Sunday. It was upper 60s with blue skies and a light breeze, and the New England landscape was painted in fall colors. We took the girls to a farm a few miles out of town, where Phoebe got to use her words "apple!" and "pumpkin!" over and over again. We got to see the animals associated with all the barnyard sounds that the girls recite so well, including a pig who weighs 1000 pounds and somehow smiles in her sleep. We took a hayride out to the apple orchards, feasted on cider donuts, and picked out one big pumpkin to be carved next week. We had two sleepy girls on the way home!

Time passing by

2009-10-18T13:37:00.001-07:00

Four months together as a family of four, and I can't remember what it was like without Phoebe in our life.

Actually, I should rephrase that-- I can't imagine our life without her, and think that adding her to our family was one of my top three best decisions in life, right up there with marrying Mark and having Miranda. But I admit that I remember quite well what it was like before-- the days when we managed to get our only child down to bed by 7:45 pm so that I could go to the gym, and we didn't feel badly about getting a babysitter once in a rare while so that we could go out for the evening. Now it seems that life revolves around sippy cups, diapers, giggles, ring-around-the-rosy in the kitchen, a wide variety of playgrounds, time outs, nap schedules, story books, and lessons in manners. Adding the fourth member to this family has much more than doubled the laundry, clutter, and groceries. How is that? Somehow two is still much harder than one every was. I admit that there is something of a survival mode going on here. On one hand I look at these girls who bring me so much joy and I want to freeze their cute selves in time so they never grow up. On the other hand, I long for date nights out, regular work-outs, a book club, and coffee with friends, and eagerly await the next phase in life when we can get back to some of our former selves.

Part of the problem is that I've been working much too much. Some day I'll be in a place where I can just choose to work fewer hours, but for reasons too long and boring for the blog, I'm again in a life of in-balance right now. I worked 3 of the past 4 weekends, and have been very, very tired.

Phoebe has been amazing through the long hours, and continues to hug and kiss me goodbye, and give me huge hugs and smiles when I arrive. She loves to snuggle as soon as I come home. For the first few months we didn't let anyone else touch or hold her other than Mark and I, and then when we finally lifted that restriction we were thrilled to find she didn't want to go to anyone other than us. Now we have come to just the right place, where after a safe introduction with us, within an hour or two she will sit very happily in a new friend's lap for a few minutes before asking to come back to us. We've had a few visits lately from friends and family from far away-- Mark's mother, Mark's cousin Lin and her husband Steve, and my dear friend I hadn't seen since medical school graduation five years ago. Phoebe warmed up to every one of them, which made for wonderful visits. I am so crazy about this child. At Phoebe's recent well-child visit, her pediatrician said at the end of the visit, "Just watching the two of you interact-- clearly you have bonded well. It's like you've known each other her whole 19 months rather than just three or four."

Miranda and Phoebe continue to love each other, though Miranda wants to be a little closer to Phoebe physically than Phoebe would like to allow. I often hear "Phoebe, hold hands with Miranda please?" as Miranda chases her little sister around. Phoebe likes personal space, so when Miranda flops her head into her sister's lap a shriek follows every time. But all in all, we continue to be quite lucky that tussles over toys is our biggest sisterly issue, with no overt jealousy or competition. Even when little Phoebe pooped on the potty-- ok, not exactly out of her own initiative, when she was snatched out of the tub and plunked on the potty half way through the job-- Miranda was nothing short of impressed. This sister thing is working out just fine.

It's been a while since we posted pictures-- Enjoy. I can't believe how old Phoebe looks now that her hair is growing longer. I worked through all our little baby clothes and toys recently in a massive purge, and had to have a good cry about how our baby days are over. When I hear Phoebe ask "More, please?" and say "Thank you!" my heart tugs a little each time. Our little girls are growing up.

Visit from Grammy:

Does Phoebe look like a big girl here?

Phoebe walked right up to Miranda and said, "Hi, Da-da," and Miranda just loved that moment:
This is my other big girl-- with so many "why" questions lately. Her favorite line of conversation goes like this: "What's that?" "It's a wine cork." "Why that a wine cork?" Or "Who's that?" "That's Megan." "Why that Megan?"

Auntie Lin came for a visit from California-- the girls just loved their time together!
Here she is again, my big girl. I can't stop looking at her lately-- so much growth!

Reunion

2009-09-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

Last time we saw each other, we were blurry-eyed with jetlag, ending a 30 hour journey home with our new daughters who were clinging to us with no idea what was coming next in this madness. Today, three months later, our babies are toddling all over the playground, quite clear on who their moms and dads are. All of the kids have grown, but it is the ones who arrived the smallest that are the most amazing. There is one child-- a smart little thing with so much character!-- who couldn't sit up alone at 14 months, and today I watched her take a few steps between her parents' outstretched arms. In three months! Their faces have filled out and their legs are chunky. These children have found their families, and it is very clear that the parents have found their children, too. It's funny, we were just folders in the Matching Room a few months back, but somehow we ended up paired the way we are. I just can't imagine Liam with us, or Phoebe with Liz and Andy, or the twins with anyone other than the parents who got them. Everyone seems to be just exactly where they belong.

This past week Phoebe had her follow-up appointment at the International Adoption clinic. They re-evaluated her development with a full assessment. At 18 months of age, she officially scored at 18 or 19 months for everything except gross motor function; for that, she is still at 16 months-- but that's just 2 months behind now, up from 4 months behind before, and 2 months behind is pretty much right on target. OK, I think we can officially count her as caught up now. An average kid. Just learning and developing and exploring as all kids do, from here on out. I promise to back off on the monitoring and asssessing and grading her progress. It's time to just let her do her own thing, as all kids do if you love them and let them.

Even more thrilling than the numbers is watching Phoebe in a crowd now. She was at church with us this morning, and now she is relaxed and curious, no longer scared and threatened. It is so good to be 3 months into this, when we are no longer asking "Do you think she's up for it? Is she ok? How's she doing?" She just settles in.

At the same time, I know our work isn't done. At the IA clinic I was asked "How's attachment going?" and answered very positively. The response I got was more cautious than congratulatory: Keep doing what you are doing, they told me. Hold her, kiss her, hug her, make eye contact, tell her you love her. So far, so good, but don't let your guard down.

Words of the week: sit, giraffe, boo-boo, poop, hi-kitty, stuck (so many applications for the word stuck!), hand, toe, oh no. She's a good little talker!

Ah, Sisters

2009-09-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Every day now I come home and find a list of new words that Phoebe is saying. One day it said "Tickle, Truck, Juice" and another day it said "Bubble, Down." Her day is peppered with words now: Ergo, Elmo, Look, Apple, Bottle, Milk, Yes, No, Music, Knock, Boo-boo, Book, Peek-a-Boo, Gotcha, Trolley, Yellow, Thank you. She's starting to put two words together, like "Hi, Kitty" and "Nite-Nite, DaDa." As of last week, she answers yes and no questions with enthusiastic and appropriate nods and shakes of her head. She knows her body parts, and can shake her sillies out, jump her jiggles out and do all the other Raffi verses with only verbal cues. Her Early Intervention teacher was away for a three week vacation and was thrilled when she came back. She eyeballed the developmental milestone list and said that now, three months after arriving in our arms with pretty significant delays, little Phoebe is right on target for all her 18 month milestones. I can't tell you how proud I am of that kiddo.

On the sibling front, we are feeling more sibling adjustment now than we did during the first 2.5 months of our family of four. Phoebe has a yell (like "Ba! Ba! Ba! when the cat gets too close) that, to quote Mark, "makes every rock concert I've every been to seem like low volume." And some mornings it seems like an unstoppable chorus of whining and shrieking with no off button. Baths have become an issue (about 25% of the time, and no problem the other 75%), and neither one is sleeping the night. I came home one day this week and our superstar nanny looked beat, saying in a very tired voice, "Oh, it was a long day." The pleasant days are so pleasant, with laughter and girls chasing each other around and quiet happy play, but it seems like there are more difficult days now than there every were before. I think part of the problem is that Miranda used to be the world's easiest toddler, and no she's, well, a typical two-year old. Her parents are adjusting.

At the suggestion of a parent-friend who does a great job with her kids, I'm trying to spend more time one-on-one with kids, especially with Miranda. When we are out together I say, "Miranda, look at this, it's just two of us, out together!" She says, "Phoebe not out with Mama. Just Miranda out with Mama." By the end of our sojourn she starts to say, "Miranda miss Phoebe. What Phoebe doing?" And when they meet again, it is always a happy reunion of long lost sister friends.

Words

2009-08-24T18:06:00.001-07:00

So many words, Phoebe! In the last week she's learned the following: pager, yellow, off, snack, stuck, Opa, Nana (complete with the baNANA sign for my grandmother), Ergo, Elmo. Every day it is a few more. We met Phoebe three months ago today, and she continues to amaze me. I look at the pictures now of our time in China, and now she seems so much more sure of herself. Her hair has grown, now in the "Ringo Star" look-- a bit too short to pull back effectively, so it hangs in front of her face and over her ears unless she'll let me keep the barrett in. Last weekend my parents and my grandmother came to visit. I was so proud of Phoebe when she let her grandparents hold her! My father toured her all over a huge sailing ship docked in Salem Harbor, and Phoebe looked as content as could be in his arms, even when they drifted out of my sight. And Mom danced to French Playground music with Phoebe in her arms, to the delight of both of them. With each week, Phoebe seems more and more at home.

Sleep, still not going so well. If Phoebe fails my 10 minute test as we lie in bed together, I put her in the Ergo and go for a walk. It never fails me, though sometimes takes 15 minutes until she drifts off. I know, I know, not a very good bedtime routine. But after much discussion and thought, I've decided to take the advice of those who say "Do what works." I'm a lot happier if my evening adult time starts at 8:30 compared to 9:30. And I'm counting on Phoebe being in a different space developmentally by the time the weather changes. And tonight was amazing-- Phoebe fell asleep with me on the big bed after about 10 minutes, and I was downstairs at 7:55 pm. That's a new record. I won't pretend it is a new trend, but it is a glimpse of hope. I'll take it.

It has been such a wonderful summer of visitors! We've been hunkering down to teach Phoebe about routine and consistency and the permanence of her new home, so people have come to us. We've had my parents quite a few times, my brother's great kids, my sister with her whole lively family, our neighbors from Providence whom we just adore, one of my more-than-half-my-life friends who has known me since junior high school (Keri), my dear Aunt Pat, my spunky 83 year old grandmother whose energy amazes me. . .Have I missed anybody? People have been great, just easing into our crazy life and making visits to relaxed and pleasant. Phoebe has grown more and more at ease with our visitors as the summer has gone on. (Though I have to say, there was a lot more whining than usual, from both of my little ones, with the latest visit-- why, I'm not sure, but some days I want earplugs, and I'm sure my guests do, too.) Next up are visits from Mark's mom and his cousin-- we are looking forward to those fall visits so Phoebe can meet her West Coast family, too.

The Museum and Farmer's Market

2009-08-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I had the day off today, and what great afternoon with the kids! We went to the art museum that is just blocks from our house. We've been there many, many times, and usually make a beeline for the kids' room. But today Miranda took the lead and headed off to explore the museum. We saw a dress built of seashells, a papoose that looked much less comfortable than our Ergo, a toy train from 1850, figureheads that dressed the old New England trading ships, and huge stone Chinese lions. Miranda was great-- she walked around with her hands folded behind her back, just like her Opa taught us to do when we were kids. She said things like, "Wow, Miranda like that," and "Miranda no like that" as she was inspired, and forged on to room after room. Phoebe took it in in a much quieter way from my arms, but insisted on climbing each staircase (there were many in the Miranda tour!) by herself. We had a great time!

Then we headed to the farmer's market. After snacking on fresh organic ginger cookies, the kids found a long, gradual staircase, with about seven steps spread over 25 yards, on the border of the market and out of the way of most foot traffic. Miranda raced up the stairs and Phoebe lumbered after her with my fingers in her hands, shrieking in delight as she chased her sister. When Phoebe got to the top, the girls collapsed in a big giggling hug. They did this routine-- up and down the stairs, with hugs at either end-- about 20 times. Phoebe did her downward-facing dog maneuver several times, too, peering at the crowd upside down through her legs. Then the music started in the tent right next to us, and we were up on the steps a few feet behind the singers. My girls stood up and started jamming, bring much too much attention from the crowd and tears to my eyes as I laughed at their antics. We moved to a less conspicuous spot. About then, a woman came up to me and said, "I just have to tell you. Your girls have brought so much joy here today. They are just delightful."

I feel like the luckiest mom in the world.

Yes, I am back to work fulltime, but after working a 24 hour call yesterday, and having the luck of sleeping the night, I had my one day a week off today. Last night, on call, I managed to get home around 7:45 pm, just as Mark was reading stories to the girls. I got a warm welcome, and Phoebe settled right down in my lap to cuddle. I would say the transition has gone remarkably well.

And this week I sat down with my boss and told her that I need to get home by 5:30 pm. The latest. I can't do getting home at 6:30 and then doing another hour of documenting on the computer after the kids go to bed. We sat down with the schedule and crunched the numbers. I'll start a little earlier, have a little shorter lunch, eliminate the extra slots I added in when I was trying to hit the productivity bonus, and stop making double-booking part of my regular schedule. So now, last patient is scheduled at 3:30, and I'm going to work one or two afternoon/evening office days a week, which gives me all morning with the girls. That makes things a lot, LOT better. I've learned something this week: Ask for what you want. Be your own advocate. You might just get what you ask for.

Ah, the new norm

2009-08-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Life is feeling, well, settled now. Less in transition. Two month into life with Phoebe, I have a hard time imagining our family without her. I can't believe it has been just two months. I think of the child we were handed in China, who couldn't even get up off her belly onto her knees, let alone crawl or stand alone. And tonight she was running through a cardboard box obstacle course in the driveway with Miranda and our two-year old neighbor. She rides a scooter, crawls up the stairs almost as fast as her sister, and climbs the plastic rock ladder at the playground by herself. Just in the last few days I've watched her face change-- that sudden transition from baby to toddler. Unlike Miranda, who needed months of hand-holding and close parental contact after she learned to walk, Phoebe is remarkably independent. When I took a phonecall at the playground the other day, Miranda and Phoebe pretty much entertained themselves, exploring under the umbrella of the crab apple trees and playing with a ball for a full 15 minutes. My big girls! She's talking now, too, with about 15 words if you count sounds of barnyard animals, and just in the last few days she's started repeating words when we ask her to say them. And I'm not sure this is real, but twice I swear she put two words together, saying "Bye-bye, Papa"-- but really, now, that's a bit unbelievable so I'll hold off on counting it until I hear it a few more times.

The transition back to work has gone beautifully, with much thanks to a super-star nanny that both girls love. My favorite moment of the day is the return, when I walk in and my two girls come running into my arms with big smiles and squeals. Good-byes vary, with some mornings triggering big tears and clinging that resolves a minute after I leave. Other mornings the girls stand with their nanny on the balcony and both say "Bye-bye" while I wave from the car. Phoebe has found the perfect balance between being close to us and being independent. She says "Hi!" to old men sitting alone on the park bench as she passes, but protests when strangers (or friends!) try to touch her. She explores the world and the people in it, but comes back to us for reassurance. She's content with her nanny during the day, but the second I'm home is clear that she would rather be in my arms than hers. Our Early Intervention report card this week said, "Phoebe is securely attached to her mother." Nothing could make me happier!

The pictures are from the beach just a mile from our house. I can't believe how lucky I am! I'm getting better at making quick beach trips, with one bag of essentials and the girls. It does require some practice to get smooth at juggling it all. The first day I did it, when I had girls covered from head to toe in sand, I had to approach some moms of school-age kids and ask, "Um, excuse me, can I just ask you all who are experienced-- how do I get them in the car with all of this sand?"

Glasses

2009-07-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

Miranda now sees the world through lenses. Her right eye has been wandering inward since just before we left for China, and the pediatric ophthalmologist tells us she is farsighted. So, for an hour or two in the morning she wears a patch on the stronger eye, and on Friday we picked up her glasses. Yesterday was a struggle to keep them on, and there was one scare at the Boston Aquarium when we thought they were lost, but in all we probably got two or three hours out of her. And today she's started to leave them on longer and act like they belong there. She looks so adorable with them on, but dramatically older to my mama eyes. Will I ever get over this tension as I watch the girls grow up-- being so proud of their progress and at the same time feeling terribly sad about letting go of their little selves?

I took the girls to the park at the end of our street this week and instead of our usual play on the swings and slides let them wander around the basketball court with a few balls. Our neighbors with kids often show up where we are, so we had Miranda, two other two-year olds, and little Phoebe. I'll tell you, Phoebe is amazing. There she was, keeping up with the big kids--trotting all over the court, chasing the balls and keeping herself entertained while her mama caught up with friends. She keeps up with the two-year olds now.

Early Intervention came this week to assess Miranda, who at her two-year old check-up still couldn't run, jump, or climb up on the couch herself. It was great fun to watch her ace all their brainiac tasks, and then when they tried to get her to jump she walked over to the bookshelf and pulled out a book. While her qualitative assessment of gross motor function puts her at 25 months-- right where she should be-- they agree that she's less confident and more wobbly than most kids her age. We are going to have a pediatric physical therapist stop by for a session or two to help us work on a plan. Honestly, I think we need to get more athletic equipment and encourage physical play more, and read books less. And she needs to play more with the 26 month old boy across the street who shoots baskets from 5 feet away (and makes 50%!) and hits a ball in the air with a baseball bat.

One of the members on Miranda's assessment team did Phoebe's assessment four weeks ago. Let me just say, she was shocked. She eyeballed the assessment paperwork and put Phoebe's gross motor function at a 15 month level-- that's up from SEVEN month level a month ago, and is just a month shy of her actual age. Phoebe is using signs like mad now-- baby, eat, drink, milk, hat, cat, dog, flower. Her comprehension is really getting better, too, and I love to watch her use the right signs in response to my verbal cues. Today I said, "Are you ready to eat some lunch?" and she signed "eat" while saying "mmmm". That's my girl!

With so much fun to report, I almost forgot to mention, here, that's I'm back to work. This half-time schedule could really grow on me. I go in to the clinic in the morning, with last patient scheduled for a noon appointment, then get home when the work is done-- sometimes when the kids are still napping, sometimes when they are just up. We have the whole summer afternoon together to play at the beach, go to the pool, play on the Common, and have play dates, before heading home to cook dinner before Mark comes home. My second morning was the hardest leave-taking, with each girl clinging to one of my legs, and Miranda sobbing, "No work, Mama, no work!" while Phoebe screamed. But they get over my parting quickly and really seem to love their new nanny. That's just how it should be.

Attachment, 7 weeks in

2009-07-12T10:44:00.001-07:00

Last weekend when my parents passed through town, I told my mother that she still couldn't hold Phoebe. She just wasn't ready. I was having a little attachment panic, since Phoebe was acting happy but not REALLY happy when I would come home from short absences, and she wasn't interested in cuddling. Some of the families we traveled with are doing "attachment parenting" techniques with much more gusto than we are-- 6 hours of holding the baby in the Ergo daily, feeding every morsel of food to the baby by hand instead letting her feed herself, etc. I was starting to panic, worry that I had brought Phoebe out into public too early and too often. I was envision my poorly attached child years down the road with major issues because I didn't do enough in those early weeks together.

And then something amazing happened this week. The nanny started (Keri, now an important person in our lives!) and I feel so much better about how things are going with Phoebe. I did lots of little trips out of the house this week for an hour or so. Phoebe cried when I left-- and sometimes clung like a monkey to me-- and then perked up in a minute or two after I left like any other toddler would. She played nicely with Keri while I was gone, but gave me big hugs and smiles when I returned. When Keri and I were both in the house, she has a clear preference for me. She gives lots of hugs now, and has settled nicely into cuddling in the rocking chair even after her bottle is done. She's become quite relaxed and smiley in a crowd, but doesn't go to strangers and hangs closely to mom. Her new favorite game is to walk out the door way of the living room while she waves and says "bye" and then laugh when she returns to me. I'm feeling much, much better! This weekend my parents were again in town and I told Mom she could hold Phoebe now. Phoebe tolerated it for, oh, about 5 seconds and then put her arms up for Mama. And while I wish my mother could cuddle her grandchild, I'm really glad that Phoebe is clear about who her mama is. I start work this week, and I'm feeling very comfortable about that.

In other news, Phoebe saw her regular pediatrician this week. She's gained more than a pound in the last months!

Talking away

2009-07-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

Last night Phoebe had a Helen Keller moment with her sign language book-- I'm not kidding, there was a sudden moment when it clicked, and then she couldn't get enough of the signs. She has mastered "Book" for this little baby sign book of 10 signs, and has said it 100 times this morning. She does all 10 signs in the book now, and does cat when she sees Kaibab go by.

On the verbal front, here's her current vocabulary: Hi (to every passerby, and especially people sitting in parked cars), Bye, Mama, ut-oh, Up, Wuff-wuff. Less consistent and still is progress is Kaibab, Quack, and Moo. She's on the brink of bursting with words, I think!

Here's Phoebe trying on her first walking shoes.

Report Card

2009-07-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Here's what Early Intervention had to say on Phoebe's report today:

"Great accomplishments in a week's time. . .She is doing beautifully. . .In a week she has changed so much-- more smiles, more vocalizations, more eye contact, and seems to be very bonded to mom. . . She was easy to engage in different activities and enjoyed playing with the toys. . ."

That's an A+ in my book.

Growing Up

2009-07-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at the big gathering of blankets and lawn chairs down by the Salem Wharf, I watched Miranda with her little two year old friends. She imitates them, follows them, gangs up on anyone opening food in a big toddler mass, shyly smiles at strangers until they surrender their little American flags, gets stickers from strangers, plays ball, and rolls in the grass. I was a little stunned to realize that she didn't need me at all. She didn't look back once to see if I was still there in the crowd. At one point I grabbed her into my arms and kissed her, and she told me, "No kissing, Mama." Oh my. How on earth did it happen so suddenly? Miranda was still a baby when we left for China, and in the last four weeks she has turned into such a big girl. It was only when I said to her, "Should we go home and see how Papa and Phoebe are doing?" that she suddenly realized how tired she was, and lapsed back into babyhood, with whines and cries for "Binky!" As we turned the corner to our block, from the stroller I heard, "Go home. Yeah!" I insisted on a quick bath, and then she was too tired to read Green Eggs and Ham even once.

And Phoebe's no better in the growing up fast category. Today she got her first walking shoes. As soon as we arrived back home she followed Miranda right into our neighbor's play house, washing seashells in the toy sink like the big kids. Yesterday Mark said, "Come quick!" to show me that Phoebe has now learned to climb the stairs-- all the way to the top, by herself. She now takes down all the dish towels from the oven handle, opens unlocked cabinets, and tosses every loose item in the bathroom into the tub (the potty, books, clothes, shoes, etc.). I got about four weeks of baby out of Phoebe, and now she's a full-fledged toddler.

Our new nanny starts tomorrow. . .

"Mama!"

2009-07-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

It started yesterday-- Phoebe now says "Mama." Like music to my ears! She learned "Hi!" too, and says it to every stranger she passes, complete with a little hand that waves opened and closed. I think she's saying "Kaibab," too, the name of our very neglected cat, but that might be a stretch. "Mama" is for sure-- as in, "Mama!" between every bite of ice cream that wasn't quick enough this evening.

Ribbons have arrived! Thank you to everyone who sent them. They are red-white-and-blue and little girl cute. My mother gave me lace from my great-grandmother, and my old knitting group sent a few extra strands of a fabulous yarn along with the hat they made for Phoebe. Lots of different types and colors and styles. Now, what I'm going to do with them, I haven't quite figured out. But it's a beautiful collection for Phoebe to keep in her memory box, along with the clothes she was wearing when she came to us, the silver bracelets from the director of the orphanage, and my written recollection of our first few days together in her province. The ribbons are a way to show her that her new family and friends were there, across the ocean, waiting to welcome her. Thank you! (And it's not too late-- you can still send them!)

Major Progress

2009-06-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday, Phoebe learned to get from sitting to standing, pushing up through a "downward-facing dog" position.
On Friday, she learned to walk!
On Sunday, she learned to cruise around the coffee table.
And on Tuesday she learned to crawl!
That's a pretty full week for a little baby! I can't believe it, I'm so proud of her. The day she learned to stand up she must have down it 100 times, with great, slow concentation. He little muscles were nearly quivering, and I kept thinking, she must be so sore! I'm sort of glad that Early Intervention was here last week to give her a "7 month" score in gross motor function, because at this rate, she'd almost be placing out of their services.

She also learned to say "wuff," and seems to spend much of her day thinking about dogs. She thrilled the charming old man at the coat room of the museum the other day by saying "bye-bye" for the first time in his presence. She now attentively reads books, especially ones with flaps and squeeks and mirrors, and has started pointing to things she wants. Her favorite activity is looking at the photographs on the refrigerator of her new family members. Mysteriously, she seems to think that "Ga-ga" means "pictures," and uses it very consistently to mean so. She's mastered "Where's you nose?" Still no use of "mama" or "papa" or "Miranda", but so many other good things!

Sleep, not going so well. I can't seem to get her on a daytime schedule of napping with Miranda at noon, so she frequently ends up taking a quick morning snooze and a late afternoon nap, then doesn't want to go down for bed. At bedtime, there is much screaming and arching of the back, when she doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be in bed, doesn't want the bottle, doesn't want to sleep-- until, oh, 9:45 a.m, then up again for a bottle (what?) at 3:00 or 4:00, sometimes with a tough time going back down. I think some part of her is afraid that when she wakes up in the morning she might be wisked off to her next foster family. Bedtime is the one time of the day when I really feel the pain of all she's been through.

Miranda had her first visit to the dentist today. She sat in the big chair with an oversized pair of sunglasses on and let the hygenist brush her fingers. She learned how to give Mr. Thirsty a big kiss, and picked cherry flavored toothpaste (I told them she didn't know what "cookie dough" was, so keep it to the fruits). She let them count her teeth, floss, brush, polish, and paint on Flouride. I couldn't believe it!

What I've Learned About Miranda

2009-06-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

Miranda has shocked me. I knew she was an easy toddler with a sweet personality, but I expected the usual sibling issues for the initial adjustment-- jealousy, competition, fighting, etc. Miranda hasn't said the word "mine" once since Phoebe came home. Here Phoebe is, wearing all of her clothes (same size), playing with all of her toys, and sharing her parents. And when Mark finished tossing Miranda in the air in the kitchen the other night, he put her down on the floor and she said-- what??-- "Phoebe's turn!" She's done this several times since then; after doing something that she thinks is exceptionally fun, she wants to be sure her little sister gets to share in the fun. Tonight I was trying to get shoes on the kids to get out to the corner store and Miranda pulled out a pair of pink Crocs that her beloved babysitter Izzy gave her for Christmas. I knew they were too small, but let Miranda prove it to herself by putting them on and saying "boo-boo" when she tried to walk. She took them off and was disappointed for a second before saying, "Phoebe." Phoebe put them on and they fit perfectly, and Miranda was quite pleased.

I should mention that Miranda has scratches on both of her arms from her sister's swats. Miranda is undeterred. She still wakes up from a nap with the first words out of her mouth being, "Phoebe awake?" And when Mark carries her down the stairs and into the kitchen in the morning, she says "Hi, Phoebe!" to the baby in my arms with a huge smile, ignoring me completely. "Chopped liver," Mark and I say. That's ok, I'm pretty secure about our attachment, and I'm thrilled that she loves her sister so much.

Now, I do have to say that ONCE in the tub I poured a pitcher of water of Miranda's head to wash her hair-- which she hates-- and she yelled, "No, PHOEBE!", which is the two-year old equivalent of saying, "Don't shoot me, shoot my sister instead!" And there have been moments of toy-stealing, and LOTS of teaching about taking turns. But never in my wildest dreams did I think this could go so well.

I hired a nanny today! Not only is she experienced, loved dearly by all her references, and just lovely overall, but she also lives about half a mile away from us. It only took 3 websites, 10 days, 100 applicants, and 6 interviews. Honest, compared to what other people I know have been through (you know who you are), that's lickity-split and very simple.

One more piece of big news: Phoebe learned to walk! I'm so proud of that kiddo. Three weeks ago she could barely sit without a little help, and couldn't do anything at all on her belly. Now she walks, cruises (oddly, that came a day after walking did), and even gets up to standing from the ground without using the wall. In a week her language progressed from 6 month level to 12 month, since in that week she learned her name, sign language for "more," hand waves to the voice command "bye-bye," and the spoken words "Buzz" and "ut-oh." Each time she does another thing that we answered "no" to at the assessments, we say she gets another month-- pointing, turning pages in a book, brushing her hair, handing someone an object and letting go of it. . . The progress is really amazing.

In the Bathtub

2009-06-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well, here you have it, pics from my life as a stay at home mom of, as Miranda likes to say, "Two Girls!" (For example, "Who's hungry for lunch?", with an enthusiastic response of, "Two Girls!")

Phoebe is doing just beautifully. Tonight she was so worked up with giggles and jiggling around that we couldn't possibly put her to bed at the normal time. She was just having too much fun!

In the bathtub tonight Phoebe started by blowing raspberries at her sister, who returned the favor. Then Miranda hid behind the shower curtain for a rousing game of peek-a-boo with her sister. Then a little splash battle started. There was much shrieking and laughter, real loud belly laughs. I stood in the door of the bathroom quietly watching in amazement at these sisters who didn't know each other 10 days ago. Welcome to the family, Phoebe. I'm so, so happy you are here.

Settling In

2009-06-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Last night was a turning point-- the first time Phoebe reached out and showed affection to me. Mark was trying to put her down, but she wasn't tired and has spent the last three days with me, so there was much crying. I came up to relieve Mark. Phoebe stopped crying when I took her in my arms, and when Mark left us alone she reached out, took my cheeks in her hands, and Eskimo kiss me with a giggle. Melt my heart!

This morning we went on our first family outing to the beach-- a short 1 mile bike ride away. Poor little Phoebe was not liking her helmet that sunk down over her eyes, or Mama's bike seat that places her upfront but with a crash guard blocking her view. We had to stop a few times and ask, "What are we doing? How can we get out of this? What should we do now?" We walked the last little way, pushing the bikes, and she was much happier with that. At the beach, Phoebe played in the sand and watched the big kids at the water's edge. Miranda was not at all squeamish about mud and seaweed. We learned that we should bring dry clothes even if we didn't plan to swim. First trip, an experiment! Phoebe did much better on way home on Mark's bike. I think we'll be there a lot this summer.

First Word in English

2009-06-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

And the first word in English is. . ."Buzz!" There is a Laurie Berkner song about bumblebees that has a whole lot of "Buzz buzz buzz" in it, sung with hands flapping around. Mark sings it to Phoebe, to her delight, and she's been flapping for days. Then at dinner tonight, she shocked us by declaring, clear as could be, "Buzz, Buzz" while flapping away. Beautiful!

One Mom, Two Toddlers

2009-06-11T09:16:00.001-07:00

Score! It's 12:15 and both kids just went down for naps, 10 minutes apart. Yesterday was my first day on my own, with no parents or husband to help. We had to leave the house for a walk at 07:20, after the first double meltdown of the day. My biggest problem is that Miranda isn't very good at walking down stairs, so that leaves me carrying my TWO 24-pound kids down the stairs, one on each hip, and my back is aching by the end of the day. You should have seen us trying to get to Miranda's 24 month check-up yesterday. With two kids, a diaper bag, and an Ergo, I'm trying to fill out the developmental assessment sheet. I know it looks very comical, and I get a lot of sympathy everywhere we go. This double toddler thing is kicking my butt.

So much better

2009-06-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Phoebe's back! The last two days she was gradually returning to the happy baby we knew, and today, all of the sudden, she's back. I actually took her to the grocery store in the Ergo so Mark could sleep, and she was all giggles. She's giving me Eskimo kisses, nose to nose, which cracks her up. At red lights I played Peek-a-Boo to her delight. When we arrived home she squealed and reached out for both Mark and Miranda. Right now she's listening to Laurie Berkner, Miranda's favorite musician, and is dancing and bouncing away. I think she gets it now-- we are family, we aren't leaving, she is home.

We spent this morning at the international adoption clinic downtown, and Phoebe was in full performance, doing her best to complete all the baby tasks they gave her. She scored at 6 months for verbal skills (no surprise). For gross motor function she scored at 9 months, but the doctor upgraded her to 10 to 11 months by the end of the visit. Everything else was at 14 months, just a month behind. The doctor emphasized what we already believe: that her foster family loved her a lot, and did a great job with her.

She's learned so much! This afternoon I verbally told her to "take a deep breath", without doing it myself, and she did! Then I told her "hands up!" and she did it, too! Last night I was holding her on my hip as I brushed my teeth and she signed "more" because she wanted to brush-- a little off on the meaning, but she knows that's a sign she is to use when she wants something. And I might be making this up, but she sure as heck looked like she signed "all done" last night when she didn't want any more dinner.

I'm crazy in love with this kiddo today. Even if she wakes up at 4:30 a.m. for the day, every day.

My folks left today. Oh, my, we will miss them. They have been with Miranda for the last three weeks, and we so appreciate their willingness to be here for such an important transition in our lives. My mom actually said one night, "No. Cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen is on us. You need to spend time with the kids." When I was jet lagged and exhausted, it was so wonderful to have the kitchen magically clean itself without my efforts.

My plan for the next 4 meals: frozen pizza, spaghetti with red sauce from a jar, stirfry with frozen vegetables, and rice+salsa+cheese+blackbeans. Any other <15 minute vegetarian dinners that you care to suggest, please sent them on.

Adjusting

2009-06-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, my. Miranda is like a broken tape recorder that whines, "Mama. Mama. Mama," all day long, and I just can't seem to stop it. It goes like this: "Mama." "Yes, honey?" "Mama." "What do you want, honey?" "Mama." And Phoebe has become a bit aggressive and angry with her sister, even hitting and biting. Both are a bit jealous of each other. I give Miranda great credit, though, for keeping up her string of gentle offers of "Hi, Phoebe," as she smiles politely at her angry baby sister. I can't believe how hard it is to parent two toddlers. With great efforts we got out of the house. It involved negotiating intensely with Miranda on which stroller to take and running upstairs to get the sippy cups and snacks that we had forgotten. We finally got to the children's room of the museum and as I lifted Miranda up to the make-a-bird table I noticed the dirty diaper. How on earth am I going to do this alone, without Mark and my parents?

Here's Phoebe as we knew her in China:

Here's the first meeting of our two daughters:

Miranda helping:

Some initial honeymoon moments:

And now note the new permanent expression on Phoebe's face:

I hear that the first week home is always tough. I'll keep that in mind.

Home!

2009-06-05T10:58:00.001-07:00

It was 30 hours from door-to-door, with three flights and two long layovers. On the first flight Phoebe didn't have her own seat and screamed like mad the whole two hours. On the second flight, there was a symphony of babies crying around bedtime, but then things quieted out for the last nine hours or so. And on the last flight Phoebe slept the whole way.

We got into the airport at nearly midnight to find friends waiting at the airport with balloons, flowers, signs, and hugs. Lillian, the founder of the agency we used, was there, too. We said goodbye to the families who had journeyed with us. Phoebe took well to her car seat. My parents were at the house waiting to meet their granddaughter.

We tried to go to bed, but Phoebe-- the poor jetlagged soul-- tossed and turned all night long. Around 4:00 a.m. we decided to quit trying, since Mark and I were both feeling wide awake anyway. It was great fun to introduce Phoebe to the toys in our house, one by one showing her how they work. She's a great fan of blocks, and can put them in and take them out of a bucket with no trouble at all. Finally Miranda woke up! Oh my, she's changed in two weeks. Her hair is longer, her face is different, and her vocabulary has exploded. She was barely putting together two words at a time when we left, and now she repeats the last three words of any sentence we utter.

Miranda smiled at Phoebe and gave her a hug. Phoebe is interested in her, too, but is a bit overwhelmed with everything right now, and to some extent Miranda is just another one of those new things around her. Miranda has twice used the sentence, "I want bottle," but responses well to telling her how silly that is. It gets tricky when they both want to be on mama's lap, or they both want the same toy, or when Phoebe gets placed in the Ergo carrier that was always Miranda's. We've had a couple of battles of the wills already, and one Miranda meltdown. But they've played in the sandbox and the toy kitchen together, they both really like the double stroller. We tried a double bath last night, but had to quickly abort tub after a minor poop incident, so we'll have to try again tonight. And I got them both down for naps this afternoon on my own. In short, things are going very well, with the jet lag and adjustments that you'd expect.

My parents are here with us, and that is so helpful! Mark is out of commission today with some combination of jet lag and fever, and my to-do list is enormously long. Thank goodness for four adults in this house right now. I feel like we tripled the amount of "kid" in this household. Am I really going to be home with both of these little ones all day for five or six weeks?

On Our Way Home

2009-06-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

At the U.S. consult today, in a room with 40 Chinese children and their new American families, we raised our right hands and solemnly swore that all the information that we had provided, both verbally and in writing, related to our adoption was correct to the best of our knowledge. And with the promise, the room erupted in cheers and tears, and our children earned the right to become American citizens. We hugged and congratulated each other, and conversations turned to reunions down the road and early morning wake-up calls. We are on our way home.

Phoebe, by the way, gave Mark a high-5 when he raised his right hand, and politely clapped her hands along with the crowd at just the right time. She's learned a lot in the last week.

See you home very soon.

Off the Island

2009-06-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we branched out and left Shamian Island, home of the White Swan Hotel. We found a map and took the metro into the heart of the city, getting off at a beautiful public park. It was "Children's Day" in China, so Phoebe got us in for free. The park was enormous, with hills of gardens, dense tropical vegetation, shaded foot paths, red lanterns, and historical sculptures. We stopped at the Guangzho Museum and climbed to the top for a view of the city.

It was very hot, and we've been using the Ergo carrier instead of a stroller to facilitate bonding, which only makes you sweat more. Little Phoebe felt very warm, and wasn't taking much of the water and juice I was trying to give her. We got her back to the hotel and took her to the pool to cool off. She loved it! Mark tossed her up in the air and let her splashed down in the water, and she squealed in delight. She played hard for an hour or so until the pool was closing, and then I noticed that she was still hot. 102.3, to be exact. Poor little one. I think we overdid it a bit, and misread that she probably had a fever all day long while we were lugging her about. At least I know enough medicine to know that a kid who has that much fun in a pool isn't too sick, but we still felt quite badly about it. A little Tylenol did her the world of good, and she slept a good night. This morning her fever is only low-grade and she's a little bit crabby, but all in all, she's doing ok.

Last post in China is coming later tonight. We miss Miranda so much. As much as she loves singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider with her parents on the webcam, it makes me very sad that she only gets to see her parents via Skype dates. Are we on the 48 hour countdown yet? Almost.

24 Pounds

2009-05-31T06:17:00.000-07:00

Today was the physical exam for the U.S. consulate, contracted out to a local Chinese clinic. Phoebe weighed in at an official 24 pounds! That is one pound shy of her big sister Miranda's weight. While I'm pretty darn efficient at buzzing around the house with Miranda on one hip while I do random tasks with my free hand, I am not nearly so effective with Phoebe. She doesn't help at all with her legs. I'm not sure why that is-- was she always in a sling? Rarely carried? I don't know, but she doesn't hold on with her thighs at all, which leaves my arms absolutely aching. I hope she learns to walk quickly, because without the Ergo I can't make it more than two minutes with Phoebe in my arms.

I spent two hours doing paperwork for the U.S. government today, trying carefully to following instructions like "first name last" and "Last name first," and "Chinese name here" verses "American name here." My mother had a question last week that I didn't know the answer to: When does Phoebe become a U.S. citizen? I have the answer today: When she touches down on U.S. soil, in Chicago, on our lay-over home. For now, she has a Chinese passport and we are waiting for her visa to enter the U.S. In fact, we were told to stay in our rooms and by the phones tomorrow from 9:30 to 11:30 a.m., just in case there are questions from the U.S. consultate.

Mark went to the playroom today while I did the paperwork. There were two Chinese mothers there who were fussing affectionately over Phoebe. When they tried to reach out and hold her, Phoebe was quite deliberate in her refusal, turning and clinging to Mark. We like that a lot!

Exploring Guangzhou

2009-05-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

Well, first we should say, Phoebe had a meltdown last night. When we arrived from the airport to our hotel room she was sound asleep in our arms, so we gently laid her in the crib and turned out the lights. She awoke an hour later and screamed real screams of terror. For an hour. We tried to comfort her and walk her, but it seemed like we were suddenly part of the reason she was terrified. We finally opted to stop touching her-- to just lay her down on the bed between the two of us. At some point she found her fingers and nursed herself to sleep. Poor little one, so much change. I can't wait to have her home, with a schedule and a routine.

Today we did some touring to an old house of the Chan family, full of art-- embroidery so fine that they look like a photograph from afar, carved balls of ivory that somehow have carved ball after carved ball inside them, ornate furniture designs to house the tablets that follow the ancestors after their death.

The White Swan Hotel is just beautiful. It is located on an island on the edge of the city, with quiet streets, big sidewalks, rare cars, and old trees. There are views of the river and rose gardens. Life-size bronze sculptures dot the place, and the Chinese tourists love to insert themselves into the frozen scene and take pictures of themselves: next to a bronze tourist with a video camera, an old man with a bird cage, an obese woman walking a duck, or a Chinese teen in short shorts on a cellphone. There are lots of little shops selling fans and fake silk pajamas, but few other adoptive families these days other than ourselves.

The babies have totally come to life. The ones who were quiet and reserved have mostly woken up into more appropriate smiles and play. The little ones who are underweight clearly look healthier a week later. I can't wait to see after six months of love, food, and stimulation.

Arrived in Guangzhou

2009-05-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

First, to catch you up on yesterday, since I feel asleep as soon as Phoebe went down. . .We spent the day playing tourist, which was much more interesting than the smokey playroom in the hotel. First we visited Ayi, a 1200 year old Chinese village in the rice fields that has opened itself up to tourists while still pretty much maintaining their traditional way of life. I'm not sure how exactly they have pulled this off, but there are no vendors hawking their wares, no one shouting "Hal-lo, where you go?", no children clambering for free candy and pictures. People sit on their stoops and smile kindly as the tourists amble by with Chinese babies on their hips and cameras around there necks. There were tiny walkways (all paved, thanks to the income of tourists), women cooking just inside the windows, motor bikes parked in the path, clothes lined out to dry, red banners lining the doorways. A nice little glimpse into lives that are children were likely born into.

Then we visited a huge Tengwang Pavilion, a beautiful pagoda that towers six stories above the city of Nanchang, built as a place for artists and poets to gather and work. On the top floor was a music and dance performance, with bells, drums, stringed instruments, and woodwinds, all performed in elaborate and colorful Chinese costume. The place was full of art-- copper sculpture (including the happiest Buddha I have ever seen), paintings, and calligraphy. We wandered through the Chinese garden, too, on the way home.

As beautiful as that was, we were all quite ready to end the time in the province and get on to Guangzhou. We have Phoebe's Chinese passport now, and that was the last step. We packed up our bags and introduced Phoebe to flying. It was late and she was sound asleep when we arrived in Guangzhou to the White Swan Hotel. There is a waterfall in the lobby and banyan trees outside, with a beautiful view of the river from the window. We'll start exploring in the morning.

Phoebe, in the meantime, has turned into quite a happy baby! She loves to flop her head backwards from her perch in the Ergo carrier on my chest to beg for kisses from her daddy-- then does it another ten times in a row. She laughs easily and sometimes cracks herself up all by herself playing with a book. She's a good stander now, but always breaks the stand by collapsing in my arms for a hug. We know that everyone says that real bonding happens once you get home, but we think we are off to a pretty good start.

Touring in Jiangxi

2009-05-28T04:03:00.001-07:00

Pictures now, words coming in an hour or two. . .

In the Playroom

2009-05-27T04:56:00.001-07:00

We spent 2 1/2 hours in the playroom today, and for every minute of that time Phoebe was walking around the room with our fingers in her hands. I learned from her foster care documents that she was a champ in the wheeled walker, and you can tell. She stands with perfect balance, and then thrusts her body forward to walk with complete lack of control and disregard for balance. She also jumps up and down in place, sometimes on her tip-toes, and stomps her feet one at a time in rapid succession. Amazingly, in our time in the playroom she really progressed, right there in front of our eyes. She learned to stand! As long as she is distracted by something engaging, and therefore not wanting to collapse in her mama's arms for a hug, she can stand for a good 15 or 20 seconds. She even took two steps into my arms! Our backs are aching from leaning down with our fingers to walk with her, but it is worth it, so worth it.

Not everyone is having as easy of a time of things. Most people are facing the usual adjustments: a baby who goes only to one parent and screams if the other approaches, hunger strikes, emotional detachment, fevers, ear infections, lower extremity muscle wasting, severe motor delays. For those families, it is so encouraging that there are several families traveling with us whose older children were adopted from China as well. One family has the most charming and bright five year old, who has really captured my heart. Their story of her first two weeks with them in China is one of the most concerning I've heard. It's a nice reminder that happy endings are the most common outcome for these kids who come to their "forever families" with so many strikes against them.

Phoebe still cries "jie-jie" when she gets sleepy or sad-- and woke up shrieking just now, an hour after I put her to bed. Those moments are reminders to us that she had a life before we came into it. In spite of her apparent ease at joining us, she is still undergoing a tremendous transition. She's been through so many transitions: from her birth mother, to the orphanage, to foster care, and now to us. When she wakes of shrieking, I tell her, "Phoebe, we are here. We are with you forever. We will never leave you, Phoebe. You are safe."

Hanging in the Province

2009-05-26T03:27:00.000-07:00

Now that the paperwork is done, all we have left to do in the province of Jiangxi is wait for Phoebe's Chinese passport to arrive. That leaves lots of time sitting around the hotel. Today we had a big group outing to-- of all places-- Walmart, which even Mark and I preferred to staring at the four walls of our room.

Phoebe is coming out of her shell beautifully, and is full of giggles and games. I think we underestimated her physical abilities; she can sit up on her own, and today stood by herself for about 15 seconds. I think she'll be walking in no time. She has also started to protest appropriately, like when I took away the watermelon that she has gnawed down to the (?unwashed) rind. And she wailed at the doctor's visit yesterday, a nice sign that she can react and express fear.

We are very fortunate (and quite unique) to have documents from Phoebe's time in foster care, with an update every month since two months old. We have measurements, developmental milestones, and eating habits. I just brought the papers down to our guide for translation of the "comments" section and learned all sorts of things, including the key information that "When you put her down to sleep, she will cry, so you have to hold her until she falls asleep." Great! Now we know.

She weighs 11 kg! That puts her at the >97th% by the Chinese growth chart, with height and head circumference around the 75th%. We have a very big girl, with chunky thighs and big cheeks. She eats everything we give her.

We had a surprise Skype date with my parents this morning, our first without Miranda there. Phoebe did a wonderful job of entertaining her grandparents, bending backwards for kisses from daddy, peering at the screen, and turning the pages of her book. Really, I can't believe how lucky we are. I was so prepared for attachment issues, medical problems, crying, the infant grieving process. Phoebe does call out for her "big sister" whenever she gets sad, but those moments are short-lived. She is just a joy, and we are so, so happy.

Getting to Know Each Other

2009-05-24T23:12:00.000-07:00

Could it be possible that we have a second child as easy and laid back as Miranda?

Phoebe woke this morning at 5:35 a.m. with a shriek, but calmed easily when we reminded her of where she is. Other than those 20 seconds, we haven't really heard her cry. She makes a little click at the back of her throat when she feels uncertain, but really no crying. She seemed so serious until late this morning when she started to get silly. Mark taught her to stick out her tongue, which she considers a great game, and she learned to blow raspberries at us. She likes to be tickled, and arches her back to bend over backwards and giggle. We lugged her to no fewer than three government office filled with crying babies this morning, with bus rides in between each one, and she simply went with the flow. She got a bath last night-- no problem. And boy can this kiddo eat. This morning she ate fruit, rice soup, tofu, and eggs. When a noodle lands with half in her mouth and the other half hanging down her chin, she slurps it up like a cartoon. Mark was carelessly danging his empty chopsticks in front of her, and she opened her little mouth like a bird, lurching for them. She sucks her thumb when she is tired, and pulls up her shirt to cuddle with. Luckily for us, she goes to both Mark and me, and takes her bottle at room temperature without regard to the type of nipple or cup. In short, I can't imagine this going better.

At the adoption office this morning, we signed the papers to make Phoebe our daughter, officially. Now there is nothing left to do in Nanchang other than bond and play, and we'll be here straight through Friday.

This morning we had a Skype date with Miranda (and her grandparents). Mark got this nervous voice as he said hello to her, saying, "Sweetheart, we want to show you something, and we don't want it to upset you." When Phoebe came into the picture, she smiled and leaned towards the screen, saying, "Phoebe!" I'm sure jealousy will come, but right now, even when we haven't seen her for a week and then show up holding a strange baby, she seems to be taking it well. We miss Miranda like crazy.

Off to the doctor appointment, next. . .

Officially Family

2009-05-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

More coming later today, but here are pictures for you. We completed the adoption this morning-- As far as the Chinese government goes, we are family now.

In Our Arms!

2009-05-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Phoebe's with us!

We got word on the bus on the way home from the airport that the babies had arrived before us at the hotel.

She didn't cry when I took her into my arms. Mark cooed the baby talk and I held her head under my chin, at last, and cried.

She stayed with her foster family straight up until this morning, so the nannies from the orphanage couldn't answer our questions: Does she have a nickname? Does she talk? What's the bedtime routine? How does she like her milk? So, we took her back to the room to figure it out. We undressed her-- just like her Grammy Kate undresses her newborn grandbabies-- and found a little dirt, a fair bit of eczema, and a generally healthy little girl. She took a bottle and started to play.

She's big! Her 18 month pajamas didn't fit her tonight, and I'm afraid she and Miranda are going to both be in 2T. At 15 months, she sits with help and doesn't stand-- much more floppy and less active than a typical kiddo at her age. But she babbles (or is it Chinese?), giggles, points, plays peekaboo with a blanket, makes great eye contact, snuggles, and looks for lost toys. I think she's going to be just fine.

Picture coming tomorrow-- Everyone's asleep but me, and I must get there, too.

Jet lagged in Beijing

2009-05-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

You can't imagine the itinerary yesterday! There we were, two buses full of jet lagged American families following their guides instructions to the T, as in "You have 10 minutes here, then meet me back here," and "It is time to use the bathroom."

We started in Tian'an men Square, a huge expanse of concrete that holds 500,000 people, where people line up for hours for the chance to file quickly by the embalmed body of Chairman Mao. Then on to the forbidden city, with enormous gates and plazas, full of thousands and thousands of people, finally getting to a lovely courtyard where the concubines' bedroom was the most elegant and tasteful place of all. We walked three miles on that tour in 90+ degree heat and sun. Then a stop for lunch before getting to the Great Wall, where we climbed up up up remarkably steep steps. How is it that the astronauts can see it from space when it is just six feet wide at places? Back on the bus, with a stop for a photo shoot from the distance of Bird's Nest Olympic stadium. Then a one hour break to grab dinner and shower before heading to a Chinese acrobat show, where the ten-women-on-a-bike routine and the tap-dancing juggler where particularly impressive. You can imagine the silence on the bus, 9:00 p.m., upon return. That was one tired crowd.

The schedule says that today the group splits up and heads to all the different provinces where the babies are. Surprise news yesterday: The babies are coming TODAY! By tonight, Phoebe will be in our care. I wonder where she is this morning, and if she has any sense for the change she is about to go through.

Time to pack the diaper bag!

Day two

2009-05-22T05:06:00.000-07:00

[ this is Mark, but I'm actually sure you'll be able to tell ]

Beijing sightseeing today and not much else. We walked through the upscale shopping district (uh, fabulous). The Summer Palace and its 200-acre lake. Also, quite an impressive bell we saw. We'll spare you the obligatory picture of us in a rickshaw. More sightseeing tomorrow, then down to Jiangxi Province to meet Phoebe. All well.

Arrived in China

2009-05-21T02:29:00.000-07:00

Oddly enough, our plane flew North from Dulles, straight over the North Pole, then crossed down over Russia to land in Beijing.

Upon arriving, a few officials from the Department of Public Health boarded the airplane wearing masks and took the temperature of every single person on the airplane. But we all passed, and are now safely at the hotel, not in quarantine. Swine flu will not spoil this trip!

We are getting settled at the hotel, and will venture out for dinner before returning for a Skype date with Miranda (who fed her daddy a virtual beer last night), and then crashing for the night.

Thanks for all the good wishes! So far, so good!

Last minute

2009-05-19T20:24:00.001-07:00

11:24 pm, and I'm still up. Almost done. Leaving for the airport at 5:30 a.m. Almost done.

Next posting from China!

Skype Practice

2009-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

What we learned tonight, practicing Skype from my parents' house with Daddy at home: It doesn't work very well to ask a 2 year old things like "What did you do today?" or "How was your birthday party?" But it works wonders to have the kiddo feed her daddy a toy sandwich from her play kitchen and have him lean forward into the camera to bite it, or puff up his cheeks and have her use her hands to virtually pop them. She laughed and laughed!

Miranda was a champ in the car, laughing and squealing at who knows what in the backseat, as long as I kept the Laurie Berkner CD going. (Ah, how wonderful, I will have TWO WEEKS of not hearing a single Laurie Berkner song!) She made it the whole 7 hours without a single complaint. At every rest stop she asked hopefully, "Opa?" which means to me that she is really comprehending quite a bit these days. This week she started talking in two word combinations with quite an abrupt start. Now I hear all day long: two binkies, big truck, stay out, No Mama, more please, my shoe. What will happen in 17 days without us? Will we come home to full sentences?

We asked her the other day at the dinner table, "Where will Phoebe sit?" She thought for a second, then moved herself all the way over to the edge of the massive medical textbook she sits on for meals. She patted the seat next to her and said, "Phoebe!" Very good, Miranda.

Loose Ends

2009-05-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

So many last minute things! Yesterday my To-Do List was 35 items long, and I accomplished 30 of the tasks before bedtime. Today I finished planting my 4 x 4 foot vegetable garden and got my hair cut. Just sent Mark for the final errand run. The list: diapers so we are stocked upon return, sunglasses for M, plastic folders to hold our official adoption documents, and batteries for the boom box since the CD player is broken and Miranda and I have a very long drive in the car tomorrow. Heading to my parents' house in the morning-- a long 7 hours with a toddler in the backseat! Thank goodness for Raffi and Laurie Berkner. I sing those silly songs at work, but they make Miranda very happy.

Let the journey begin!

Ribbons

2009-05-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

Some of you know this story: The week before Miranda was born, the women in my life gathered with me for a Mother Blessing. We opened envelope after envelope sent from friends and family all over the world, each one containing a bead. The beads came with stories and wishes and prayers. We string them on a necklace, and I kept in with me when I gave birth to Miranda. She keeps it now in her room, and I tell her those beads came from all the people who welcomed her into the world and celebrated her arrival into our family.

For Phoebe, I'd like to gather ribbons. I invite you to send a 12-inch ribbon to the house with your welcoming wishes for Phoebe as she enters into our lives. My plan was to open them on the long flight over, but I think we'll have to make it a welcome-home activity. Somehow the end of this long journey came very quickly! Thank you, in advance; I hope it will be something she'll hold on to for the rest of her life. I can't wait to see what collection comes our way.

Flights Confirmed

2009-05-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

We leave 9:35 a.m. on next Wednesday. First to Dulles (Washington, D.C.), then a direct 14 hour flight to Beijing, arriving early afternoon the next day. On the way home we fly through Chicago, arriving at 11:15 p.m. on June 3rd.

It's feeling real!

Travel Confirmation!

2009-05-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

This morning the message from our agency was essentially this: Stop worrying and get excited! It's real! We have tickets! We are GOING!

We leave May 20th-- yes, that is soon enough that weather.com can tell me that Beijing will be 91 degrees and partly sunny.

Phoebe, we are coming soon, little one. Can't wait to have you home.

Uncertainty, the New Norm

2009-05-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

I ripped off half my gown and one glove to return Mark's call, and there, still half dressed in scrub clothes in the OR, I heard that we have travel approval. I had the whole OR staff crying and laughing with me, ready to go get my baby girl. They said probable date of travel is April 20-- just 12 days away.

And then, later in the afternoon, I heard that Jiangxi Province-- yes, that is where Phoebe is waiting for us-- is the one province in China that is not granting approval for adoptions right now, due to swine flu. It seems that SOME families are getting their appointments at the provincial level in Jiangxi, but most are not. No one knows WHY some families can get through. And we have no idea if our agency-- now closed for the weekend-- has these appointments or not.

So, my celebration lasted about three hours. Maybe leaving in 12 days. Maybe 6 months. Still don't know.

Getting Closer

2009-05-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

All our information is still from the rumor mill, with no real facts and certainly no plane tickets. But. The rumors of swine flu have dwindled, and people from other agencies are reporting that their "travel approvals" from China-- that is, permission to travel-- have arrived. That should mean that our travel approval is coming soon. Our agency is still hoping, hoping, hoping for travel on May 20th. If not, then May 27th. Can we really be two weeks from lift-off and still not know if we are really going or not? I'm hopeful but not believing. Not until I have that travel approval and get the official word.

I made a decision this week and told my bosses: I'm off starting May 18th. Whether it is maternity leave, vacation, or something else, I'm not coming in. That will be my own time-- to recover from the things that have been making me sad (the things I'm not blogging about here), and to move into celebrating this baby in our lives.

Ups and Downs

2009-04-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we heard that China is shutting down international adoptions for 20-30 days, at least, until they can reassess Swine Flu. Today our agency tell us it is just rumors, and that "travel approval" will be granted as expected. I am not at all sure what to think, and after being crushed yesterday I just refuse to get excited today. "Rumors," all rumors. We are in limbo, unsure if my office schedule should be open or closed, unsure who will be Miranda's nanny if we are still here in three weeks, unsure if Phoebe will be growing into a little girl in China without us because we can't get permission to pick her up.

Not an easy time for us. In other news, this week has been very hard on me, with events too sad and difficult to make it into the adoption blog. All I want right now is my little girl home.

A Little More Information

2009-04-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

I got her new measurements today. They say she weighs a whopping 11.2 kilos! That's 24.7 pounds, which is pretty much what big sister Miranda weighs. I'm not buying it, since that's a good 7 pound weight gain since her referral paperwork three months ago. Looks like we'll be bringing a whole variety of clothing sizes with us.

I hear she has 6 teeth, too!

We decided on her new name: Phoebe Qianyang (and we are trying to keep our last names off the public blog, but imagine my last name followed by Mark's with a hyphen in between). I'm afraid she might never make it to 1st grade recess if she has to print her name neatly once before being allowed outside, and I feel a little badly about that. But we thought she might like to keep her Chinese name as part of the name she'll carry for the rest of her life, so Qianyang it is.

I heard back from Adopchina, and as it ends up Phoebe was not one of their sponsored children after all. Another family traveling with us heard that their daughter definitely is, and the sponsoring family asked to stay in touch with the adopting family-- pretty wonderful, huh?

Yesterday Miranda and I went to the post office to mail Phoebe a care package. Tucked inside was a disposible camera, a little stuffed dog we've been sleeping with for three years, a handmade blanket, and a list of questions for her caretakers about sleeping, eating, and pooping, all the baby essentials. Sometimes these things come back to parents, sometimes they don't. I told the clerk, "To China. For the baby we're adopting." She click-click-clicked away and then said, "It will arrive to her on Monday." And that's when I choked. Suddenly, Phoebe is real and waiting and living not so very far away on the other side of the world. I wonder who is puts her to bed and where she spends the day and if she has little friends and if she has said her first word and if tooth #7 will be there by the time she's in our arms.

Maybe, if we leave on the earliest possible date we've been given, we'll be arriving in China one month from today.

Update!

2009-04-12T16:42:00.001-07:00

Tonight-- Sunday night-- I sat down to plough through the large stack of mail and paperwork on my desk and found, to my surprise, and envelope from our agency! We have an update on the baby-- and the great news that she is not in the orphanage, but is in the care of a foster family. We have details now of where she was found (and will hold that information quietly, for Phoebe and us). We hear that she eats porridge, rice, noodles, eggs, fish, meat, vegetables, and fruit. She can giggle, "behave excitedly when she sees food", "move her limbs freely when she is happy." The report of her abilities leaves off at 10 months, when "her amount of exercise, form of exercise and psychological activities all had great leaps." Oh, good. Good, good.

There was another great surprise. We were contacted by an organization in Spain run by volunteers who have put together a child sponsorship program, where families sponsor a child in a Chinese orphanage. Our daughter is one of their sponsored children! We keep a picture on our refrigerator of a little girl in Zimbabwe whom we sponsor, in the hopes that she has food, clothing, and education that she otherwise wouldn't have. And now I find out that our Phoebe's picture is probably up on someone's refrigerator in Spain. Imagine that. Adopchina has e-mailed this picture already, from last September, when she was seven months old. Look closely, I might be wrong here, but I think she's sitting on a potty chair with her pants cut out under her! This might be the earliest picture of Phoebe that we'll have. So often the past for children who have been adopted is lost. Their life before their adoption is one with many questions but no answers. Suddenly I have the hopes of knowing more about her-- whom she was with, what she looked like, when she learned what. What a tremendous gift to our child! Adopchina said they may have more photos and videos, and I've asked if it is possible to connect with her sponsors to thank them for taking care of our baby. Stand by, we'll keep you posted on more.

The weekend

2009-04-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

Once one knows the name of her daughter's orphanage, a whole community of people who have connections there starts to emerge. What I am hearing is that it is a good orphanage where the children are generally healthy and bright. Several people have told me that I will find out later that she is in foster care-- either with a family, or with one of the older folks that lives in the "orphanage" that houses the elderly as well. We are hoping for that.

Believe it or not-- this is true-- yesterday morning I took Miranda for a walk and one block away from our house I ran into a woman with her 5 year old daughter who was adopted from Jiangxi Province! I whipped out my picture, saying, "Hello! I just got a referral from China last night!" and she was delighted for us.

I found growth charts for Chinese girls, and it looks like Phoebe is right on target at about the 25th%ile for height, weight, and head circumference.

Miranda was giggling with excitement on our way out the door to pick up our referral picture, shouting "Mei mei! Phoebe!" but I think that was more a response to my wired state than an understanding of what was about to happen. When we got there, she took a cursory look at the photo itself and since then hasn't shown much interest. She is carrying around her Asian baby doll (named Mei Mei) quite a bit lately, and her favorite bedtime books are "Red Blanket" and "My Mei Mei," both stories about adoption from China. But this is still a child who speaks just one word at a time (out? sit? juice? daddy? up? eat?). I think she can't possibly understand that we are talking about a playdate that lasts for a lifetime. A sister. Maybe in another two months, as she hits her 2nd birthday, she'll understand more. I ordered "Big Bird in China" for her today, and I'm hoping that somehow she'll understand the words "Mama and Daddy are in China. They are picking up your baby sister Phoebe."

We are working on translation of Phoebe's name, as we had planned to keep part of it as her middle name. Ling is the surname of all the children from the Shangrao orphanage, so not something unique to her. Qian means lead. As the element #82 on the period table. Not a common name, and a Chinese friend told us, "I'm a little confused by that." And Yang means fluttering or blazing. Not sure what we are going to do.

We've had such an outpouring of congratulations! Thank you ! I can't stop looking at her little picture.

At last, Phoebe!

2009-04-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

Here she is-- Ling Qian Yang, born on my Grandma Connelly's birthday, February 26, 2008. She is thirteen months old, and has been living in the Shangrao Children's Welfare Center (also called the Ling Orphanage) in Jiangxi Province since she was one week old. At ten months old when her survey was filled out, she could crawl, look for a dropped toy, roll over, and eat biscuits without help. She knows her name and turns when called. And, inspite of her grumpy look in the pictures, she laughs aloud and smiles readily. She is "active" and "fond of playing games." The box for "quiet" is not checked, and the box for "obstinate sometimes" is. That's our baby!

Funny, I've been glued on-line for days now, hoping that each day would be the real one, until this morning, when I gave up hope on this week, for the complete lack of on-line rumors. I had the day off-- and actually slept well on-call last night. I spent the morning at the Children's Museum with Miranda, had lunch, and put M down for a nap. I thought I would check just once, just in case, and my heart stopped when I found a posting from just 5 minutes earlier from a fellow parent in our group that said, "We have a daughter!" There we all were, the expectant parents from our agency, sitting at our computers hitting "refresh" as we got the news one by one, waiting for our own phones to ring.

I drove in to the city, and Mark left work early to meet me at our agency. And suddenly we were handed a few photographs-- there she is, this little person who will change our lives forever.
So good to know who she is, and yet so strange to know so little about this little human being who will be with us for the rest of our lives.

I heard somewhere that this orphanage has an old folks home within its walls, and many of the "Grannies" take a baby into their room and into their lives. I hope that's true with Phoebe, that someone has been snuggling her and singing to her and kissing her goodnight. I can't wait to get this little one home and make her smile.

The Long Wait for Phoebe

2009-03-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

Phoebe’s story with our family began on the Cliff Walk overlooking the ocean at Newport, Rhode Island, on the day Mark and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I proposed to Mark that day that we adopt a child, a girl from China, and that we get started on the process soon. He said yes, and we launched into the path to parenthood.

Why adopt? In a world where there are so many children in need of families, we are a family who wants a child. In the simplest way, it is an easy match of the world’s needs with our desires. And it makes sense to me to have a family that reflects what I deeply believe—that all the world is beautifully interconnected—so much so that a child born in China can become my own.

We spent the summer of 2005 reading up on adoption and visiting a few different agencies. On Veterans Day, November 2005, we had our first official meeting at China Adoption With Love to sign up for the process. “It’s a six month wait, right?” I asked. “Well,” the social worker said, “it has been, for a long time. But yesterday we got our referrals, and something strange happened. . .We aren’t quite sure what it means.” Later we would understand that right then, the day before we started the process, the great slow-down in China adoption referrals began. By the time we got our referral, we would be waiting three years to be matched with our child.

But at the time we had no idea. So, with great excitement, we began “paper-chasing”—completing a lengthy home study, writing our autobiographies, getting our house inspected, collecting photographs, asking friends for letters of reference, documenting our financial status, fingerprinting with USCIS, signing criminal background checks, visiting the notary again and again. Document by document, piece by piece, we worked through the list. When it was done, the whole packet was sent off for translation. Then one day in February 2006—just after I watched a woman in the infertility clinic joyfully sob as she saw the flick-flick-flick of her baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound—my text-pager went off: “CAWLI called. Our documents were sent to China this morning. We are now a Waiting Family. I love you, M.”

We threw ourselves a “Documents to China Party” that weekend, with red lanterns and Chinese food. We picked a name and colors for the nursery. I wore a Chinese pendant around my neck. When it came time to make schedules for the next academic year—the third year of residency—I front-loaded my schedule to do eight hard months straight so that maternity leave could fit in easily anytime after Christmas. We were expecting, and so exciting.

Summer came. The wait kept getting longer. There was much speculation about the slow-down on the internet, but few facts and no information about the future. It can’t go on forever, people said. I started obsessing on the “Rumor Queen’s” website, which tracked the progress of referrals. Each month, the wait got longer. It seemed like as time went on, we were getting further away instead of closer.

At some point, we decided that if we wanted our life as parents to start sooner rather than later, then we might as well try to conceive while awaiting our adoption. So, in the fall of 2006, we found ourselves expecting in the more traditional way, with a due date in May 2007. We worried a bit about having two children so close together. Could I take two maternity leaves during residency? Should we suspend the adoption application for a while? Is it healthy for kids to be “artificial twins?”

Miranda was born, and we waited. There was actually a time when we were thankful for the wait and hoped that the speed-up that the adoption community longed for would never come. I graduated, we moved, I started my new job. We updated our home study, re-fingerprinted, and applied for permission to bring an orphan into the country a total of three times. In our Christmas letter 2008, for the fourth time we said that our baby was coming soon. Only this time, finally, it was true.

So where are we now? Last month the China Adoption Affairs office matched families with applications up through 3/6/09. We are 3/7/09. We are at the front of the line. At long last. And unless there is a major surprise, we should be next. Our application has been sitting on a dusty shelf in China for over three years, waiting for the day that someone takes it down and pays attention to it. Sometime in the next two or three weeks, our application will be opened on some Chinese government worker’s desk in a magical place in the “The Matching Room.” He or she will see our old photographs—with no Miranda, and less gray hair. And then he or she will sort through the folders of babies who are cleared for adoption and will decide which child—of all the children in China, of all the children in the world—is to become our daughter. A few days later, we will get a phone call saying, “Congratulations, you have a baby.”

So, here’s what you can expect next:

Sometime after March 20th, most likely around April 1st, we’ll get “the call.” The next day we will have pictures and a medical report. Then 6-8 weeks later, we’ll travel to China. We will keep this blog so you can follow our journey. Someday, when Phoebe is older, we’ll let Phoebe read this blog, too, so she know how much she was loved even before we knew who she was, and how much excitement there was about bring her into our lives.

And one last thing—Thank you to our family and friends who have waited with us. Thank you for taking us seriously when we said “We are expecting a baby” even when that gestation was longer than an elephant’s. Your support has been wonderful.

And for people who don’t even know us but are joining us through the Rumor Queen’s site or CAWLI or other places: Please enjoy. Watching other people’s blogs through our long wait gave me great hope that truly a baby would come at the end of the journey. If you are waiting, take heart. Many people have told us that when you get that baby in your arms you realize why the wait took so long—because this baby was meant for you, and four Christmases ago, she wasn’t even alive in the world yet. I believe that, too.